NEWS NEWS NEWS

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this important message:

I spent this weekend watching various news programs to see what’s up.

Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace:

I watch this show sometimes to see how the republican spin machine is distorting the news. Chris seemed infatuated with Barack Obama’s pastor. Basically his pastor gave some speeches with some strong language, which essentially said the US is not an innocent babe who was suddenly attacked on 9/11.

Our past is not perfect, and it is fuel for aggression against us. Even Bin Laden quoted Hiroshima in one of his videos. Ignoring our guilt in past aggressions and its effect on other cultures will prevent us from learning from our mistakes. However, when this same message is delivered from a fiery pulpit, the sound is much more harsh.

Somehow Mr. Wallace felt this reflected on Obama, guilty by association was his plea. Pretty weak. This kind of made me feel good because if this is all the ammo he could come up with to make the democratic leader look bad, then he’s grasping for straws.

On a different note, whenever I see Chris Wallace, I think of his interview with Bill Clinton about a non-political fund raiser –I forgot the cause. Chris thought he would drop the bomb on Clinton by bringing up some political stuff. But the bomb was dropped on Chris when he got to witness Bill’s dark side. When Bill was done with him, he looked like he was about to burst into tears and they quickly went to commercial.

Poor Chris, he wants to be the republican bully. But with the Republican Party as weak as it is, he doesn’t have anyone to back him up. He’s like the American Idol singer who thinks he’s good but really sucks. It’s just fun to watch.

Lou Dobbs Tonight:

On the occasions I’ve watched his show, he appears to be a cranky old man who uses the network and logic to spew out good old fashioned prejudice. Personally, I feel he’d jump on the bandwagon to attack any non-Caucasian group; however, immigration seems safe. Although he’s very careful not to say anti-racial words, he still expresses anti-Hispanic sentiments under the umbrella of preserving the borders and protecting the nation.

He has had some guests, who oppose his views, but usually he feeds them loaded questions and when they don’t play along, he speaks over them or has them cut off. His inability to calmly discus opposing viewpoints makes this a poor news show.

The only reason I watch is to see what kind of recent twisted logic clan members use to justify their hate. I’m not black, but I still wouldn’t feel safe attending an actual KKK meeting. Oh, well. He’s old and his time is limited. A pacifist like myself just calmly waits for representatives of the older, repressive, mislead, generation to retire.

C-Span: Decision 2008

Bill Clinton speaking at a town meeting for his wife. In five minutes I finally understand her universal health care proposal! I hate to say it, but it sounds good. I’ve watched a number of debates with Hillary and never got it. I knew she had a universal health plan, but I just didn’t understand it. Numbers, figures, examples…I just didn’t walk away understanding the darn thing until is was explained by Bill. I have to admit, he’s got a gift.

As for the vote, if Barack is the nominee, I’ll vote for him over McCain without even thinking about it.


If Hillary is the nominee, I might vote for her, but it wouldn’t be definite. It’s Hillary’s turn and it’s McCain’s turn to be president…they’re both smart and would do a good job…it would be a hard call for me.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Mad Man Disease or a helping hand for the troops.

The Next Four years

The following is a dream I had. I’m quite sure it will come true because many of my dreams have come true in the past. The proof: One time at band camp, I had a dream that I was running out of toothpaste and the next morning I checked and sure enough I was dangerously low of running out!

Although I didn’t actually run out, I feel my dream was a warning…much like the one I am about to share with you now…

My daddy was a cop.

Back in the USA.

Back in the bad-old days.

I was sitting with a good friend of mine, taking a few tokes off a bong and watching “The Price is Right” with Drew Carey, when the door was broken down by police wearing swat-gear. At first I thought it was my ol’ man playin’ another practical joke, so I hid the bong behind the couch.

They drug us out to the street where there was a big construction dump truck. I got a lump in my throat when I realized this wasn’t a prank. They escorted me and three others to a line, which lead to a ladder that leads to the truck bed.

I could hear the screams of the people inside.

A year previous, a democrat had won the Presidential election. But a week before, Dick Cheny put Rumsfield back in charge of the military. Then, following the election he had the military take control of the Congress and Senate. He imprisoned all members and set up a military command.

We were watching the whole thing on TV. Stephen took a “hit” and while holding his breath full of smoke, said “Oh, shit.”

We didn’t know what to do, so we did nothing. At first we were in favor of the whole thing because one of the first thing “Dick” did was to make marijuana legal. In retrospect, I think he just wanted to pacify the masses.

He invaded Iraq, Palestine, Israel, Spain and Canada. In his quest for power, our resources grew slim, so he set up a government work programs where ordinary folk could work for diminished wages and profits went to the military. Oh well, at least we had jobs.

At first, he started rounding up the disabled and old. They were taken away and never seen again. If your were smart, you didn’t ask questions. The folks who did were taken away and never seen again. Talk was, he was grinding them up to feed to livestock. But the real story was later revealed by the late Heraldo.

People were being ground up for hamburger and fed to the troops.

Later, it was less discrete. The police would go down a random street with a big dump truck and force people to jump in the truck bed. The folks on the bottom were soon dead from the weight of the others. They had to move fast before things got stanky.

The next morning, we all pretended everything was normal and went to work.

Now it was my turn.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Mad Man Disease or a helping hand for the troops.

COMING SOON?

Before I get to the nitty-gritty, someone, somewhere is probably wondering, “Why isn’t TheWeirdcrap.com never updated like it used to be?”

Well, the reason is the old site is running on a design I made about nine years ago, and hasn’t changed much since. Currently, I’m working on a much better version and the site will slowly change one section at a time, starting with “AlarminglyStrangeStories.com.” In the past, writers submitted stories via email, and I posted them manually –very time consuming.. Then I updated the archives and the front page. If I was busy, stuff never got done and the site would go stagnant.

Soon, it change to “MyStrangeStories.com”, a totally interactive site. It will have the look and feel of the old site with a few bonuses. Users will login and post their own stories. As long as there are no abuses, users will be able to post stories without moderation. Readers will also be able to post comments to the story where is will be immediately visible on the web. Like before, as long as there are no abuses, the comments will post without moderation.

On the technical side, by using already existing blogger software (Wordpress.org), the archives will be posted and the stories will even be broken down by genre all by auto-magic! The home page of TheWeirdcrap.com will also be updated automatically, so if I’m busy and you’re not, stuff will get done! I still got a few bugs to work out, so don’t logon and post stories yet.

It’s more than an idea at this time, it’s almost completed. This is very exciting for me, because I got the idea about two years ago, but couldn’t design anything with blogger software that had the look and feel of the old site. I had no idea how to do it and dropped the idea. With a little homework, luck, and sweat my dream will soon be a reality!

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Cheny and that darn military coup he keeps promising.

After 2 years, I finally get an email!

Grant from Michigan writes:
A few months ago you said McCain was’t worth mentioning in the Iowa pre-vote caucus deal…now he’s the main man.

What’s up with that smarty-pants!

Dear Grant:
I did get an email from a certain J. McCain a few months ago. And he complained about the same thing. I didn’t write back because because I didn’t think it was the real McCain, plus I’m lazy.

Speaking of famous people.

I have gotten a few emails over the past 10 years from a few famous people. For example I got an email from the brother of a member of 3-11, the famed 90’s rock band. A few years before that I got an email form that chick that was in “Risky Business” with Tom Cruise. No wait, it was Debra Foreman who was in “Valley Girl” with Nick Cage. A few years after that I got an email from someone who claimed to be Jennifer Love Hewitt, but I wasn’t too sure about that one.

It’s hard to say if these are ever real or not because they don’t have simple emails like Pditty@yahoo.com it’s always a weird address like PuffDaddy@yahoo.com. He never wrote to me, although I can’t imagine why not. I understand he is no longer P Ditty, or Puff Daddy, or Sean Combs, but now he is KFC. Pretty catchy, I heard it on the radio. The “C” stands for Combs and…well, I have no idea what the rest stands for. Maybe its PDC.

I think I got off the subject.

Speaking of “off the subject”.

I still think Guilianni has a chance. He should really get back in the race, He may not win, but I know he would beat Ron Paul.

Speaking of cross-dressers.

I remember when Ron used to be on TV all the time.

He was black back then, totted a hot blonde wig and put in some nice big breasteges. When I first saw him, I thought he was a woman. It took some convincing for me to believe that was a man. I’m glad he’s finally came out of drag and started dressing like a regular Joe. All that make-up can’t be good for your skin.

I was even surprised more this year when I found out he was a short, thin, white male in his seventies.

Well, I hope he does well. After all he is the only psuedo-African American Female running for President.

Quite frankly, I don’t think Hillary or Obama can compete with that.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: What ever happened to the Strange Stories?

Terror on the High Seas! A.k.a. The Bionic Woman does Dallas

I kept promising a new episode of “The Bionic Woman”, but I haven’t bothered; now my back is against the wall since the writer’s strike is about to end! The new season is about to end, so I guess all we’ll get is one cliff-hanger, then its wait til' next year.

All the more reason you should be enjoying the many years of fine fiction featured here at TheWeirdcrap.com!

Here’s how the new episode starts, Jaime Somers wakes up from a deep sleep…and what the…?

She’s in a cabin, in a big luxury liner!

She knows it’s a luxury liner because she looks out the window and see’s Kathy Lee Gifford conducting 50 poverty stricken Asian kids while they sing, “If my friends could see me know…”

After the number, Kathy personally gives each kid a vanilla wafer and a nickel for their hard work. Which is a really nice thing to do.

Jaime (the bionic woman) has no idea what she’s doing on the ship, so she takes here Blue’s Clues notepad, a handy pen, and leaves her cabin seeking clues.

She wanders to the lower decks only to discover Irish immigrant workers dancing a jig to old Celtic tunes while drinking moonshine. After a few swigs, she finds the moonshine made from dirty laundry water and decomposing figs – unsatisfying.

She stagers to the top-deck where she finds Isaac, the bartender. She does a few stiff shots and using her bionic ears, listens to the Doc tell Isaac what a nice piece of ass she is. Captain Stubing, tells Doc to quite messing around and orders him to baby-sit his daughter who is now 34 and pregnant.

Tired of this banter, she goes back to her cabin to use one of her super-computer thingy’s to call back to super-hideout-HQ and find out what the heck she is doing on that boat! As she turns her back to the ocean to go downstairs she fails to notice the perfect tsunami wave, followed by the perfect storm, which we all see coming clear as day.

She gets into her cabin, picks up her high tech gear, when…blam!

The whole cabin gets knocked sideways! She would have been crushed by a big…a big…thing. But she uses her bionic arm and “shung-shung-shung-shung-shung” pushes it out of harms way!

Knowing her bionic powers will be needed she races to the top-deck where she untangles life boats, tosses them in the water (with people) and saves hundreds of lives with her bionic powers -“shung-shung-shung-shung-shung”.

She hears a crying baby with her –“bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep: bionic ear. She jumps into the freezing water and swims to the lower decks kicking obstacles out of her way --“shung-shung-shung-shung-shung”, finds the baby and takes it to the top deck and gently places it into a the last life-boat.

After all this Jaime and the remaining people have no place to go. They go down with the ship and Jaime breaks chunks of wooden stuff for people to hang onto. Looks like everyone is saved thanks to our hero; however, because the Captain was pre-occupied, he never radioed for help.

After several hours of drifting out in sea, Jaime watches as passengers start to give in to hypothermia and drift into the sea where they drown.

Deciding she would rather bleed to death than drown, our hero pulls a piece of metal from the piece of boat she and others are floating on. It’s nice and sharp.

Deciding the most humane thing to do is to put goners out of their misery before they down. She slits the necks of everyone on her driftwood.

She then uses her bionic legs to jump from drift-wood to drift-wood where she mercilessly slashes and breaks necks of everyone in sight.

With her killing of mercy finished, Jaime, exhausted, finds herself unable to kill herself as she slowly drifts down, in the icy depths below. As she looks up she can see sunlight begin to break thru the murky water. Darkness overcomes her as she drifts into unconsciousness.

At that moment she opens her eyes! Alive! Alive!

But how?

Looking around she sees she is not in the water but standing on top of a subway seat! The sound of the rolling wheels must have rocked her into sleep. Just as she notices the train slowing to stop, she notices something else.

She has a sharp, bloody piece of metal in her hand. Looking around, she see’s scores of dead bodies whose necks have been slashed or broken.

Slowly, she stands. Goes to the next car…the same thing. Another car…dead…all dead.

The train slowly comes to a stop, the door opens and is quickly filled with police officers waiting for the lunatic train slasher.

THE END

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Who’s this Ron Paul guy?

The Best of 2007!

In this week’s column, Stephen Johnson listed my favorite album as “High School Musical 2” and my favorite concert a “Hanna Montana” concert. In response I must defend myself.

Just for a little history, about 13 years ago I bought a “Shaggy” CD and the first “Atlantis Morrisette” CD and I liked them both. He’s given me shit about the “Woman from Atlantis” ever since, and now characterizes me as a female bubble-gum pop-music lover.

He also makes fun of me for being a “Star Trek” fan!

Well, fuck you Stephen Johnson…FUCK YOU!

“Tappity-tap-tap-tap, tappity tap-tap, tappity tap-tap, tappity tap-tap, tappity tap-tap-tap…” Those are the sounds of my loafers against my hard wood floor hallway as I run away - overcome by emotion.

Anywho’s, I don’t have a favorite movie anymore, ‘cause me and the ol’ lady got two kids with another on the way. I also ended up with seventeen illegitimate kids and 165 grandkids, which keeps me pretty busy…I’m not even 30 yet! YOU DO THE MATH.

I’ll try to list all the movies I saw this year…forget about good or bad…this is all I know:

• The Chronicles of Narnia – I say good…I like to see animals talk.
• Dr Doolittle, the 5^th generation part II – Not good…I don’t like to see them talk that much.
• The Jodi Foster movie where she gets mugged. I say good…I can’t remember the name, ‘One brave Woman or somthin’” The ol’ lady made me see it, but I liked it. Jodi Foster looks good, although I kept expecting Austin Powers to jump in, pull her wig off and say, “She a man, baby.” I mean that in a good way.
• An Inconvenient Truth – I say good. I like Al Gore, he should be in more movies.
• X men, last Stand, ect. – I say good. I recorded it on Tivo and fast forwarded it to all the scenes where stuff blows up. They got stuff blowin up real good!

That’s all that come to mind for 2007.

For TV fans, there’s only three shows I like to watch when new episodes pop on. “Dr. Who,” “My Name is Earl,” and the “Bionic Woman.” Take it for what it’s worth. I like Bionic Woman because I’ve always been a fan of the “Bionic Man” although I don’t own any action figures.

In Bionic Woman I like that they didn’t get a fitness lady to play Jamie Summers. She’s athletic with a little bit of lady flab…I mean that in a good way. Female fitness freaks scare me.

I figure they’re on the Steroids, and if you was in bed with one she’d only think of you as a piece of meat, which is fine. But if she liked it, she would tighten up her woman muscles and tear your man-ness right off with blood spurting everywhere. Then she would have your man-ness stuffed and use it as a dildo, while you lay there dead on the floor. It’s just seems too scary to me.

This column ran a little long, but that’s ok, ‘cause I’m not working on the new “AlarminglyStrangeStory.com” template. For those who are interested, you can get a sneak peak at www.weirdpublishing.com/wordpress . Fair warning, this is just a test site and all data will be lost when I switch it over to the main site, but if you have any suggestions, go ahead and leave a comment on a post.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Shall I fill in the blanks for the writers strike!

New Years Resolution 2008!

It’s getting close to 2008 and I just can’t hold back the new changes for the new year! We’re moving into the next generation of web sites. The new and improved AlarminglyStrangeStories.com 2.0 I will be ready by January this year.

I’ll go ahead and let the cat out of the bag right now. The new story section will be a totally interactive fiction source. Writers will no longer send short stories by email. Soon you just logon, like an email account and instantly post your short story. If your story is in a word document, you can cut and paste it into the blogger-like post page. Readers and other writers will be able to post comments which will appear below the story; thus, creating a more interactive forum.

For starters, I’m not going to moderate. If it turns out there are abuses, I’ll start moderating the stories and comments, but since there is little need for that now I’m starting with instant story posting. The neat part is this will not use an outside source or website…I’m creating this out of a blogger program, that I am in the process of designing for the writing community and totally hosted by AlarminglyStrangeStories.com.

Later, we’ll move our blog section to our servers and off Blogger.com with a similar format and hopefully before the end of the year we’ll also have a forum/blogger section for writers so you’s can associate among yourselves like Face Book or MySpace.

So that’s what’s TheWeirdcrap.com is doing for you!

Aside from that, I’ve been thinking about my own New Year’s resolutions and have decided to watch what I buy in those last minute trips to the store. Here’s my list of lethal combinations.

In 2008 I will not buy…

• Feminine napkins, Tylenol and Booze
  A case of beer and condoms (but if I
  have to, I’ll be sure to wipe that stupid grin off my face)
• Attachments for a breast pump and a box of cereal
  Extra-hot salsa and hemorrhoid pads
• (although it’s a good combination to have handy)
  An extra-large Metamucil and a month supply of toilet paper (again, no stupid grins)
• A 12-pack of cheap beer – while accompanied by my two daughters
• KY jelly and a playboy
• Booze, coffee, and Aspirin

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Are we there yet!

OH HOLY NIGHT

I didn’t have a Christmas special to write about this year, so I decided to wait until I finished my Christmas and see what comes. But for those who love the pre-Christmas columns here’s one of my favorites:

http://www.theweirdcrap.com/commentaries/askbob2005/2005_12_11_bob.html

Me and my lady went to my sister’s house on Christmas eve. While I was there I noticed, how harsh they are with each other.

My nephew spilled some milk on the floor and right off the bat she yells at him, “Why don’t you watch what your doing you stupid-idiot!”

“Yeah Andy, why do you have to be such a clumsy-idiot!” My other nephew added.

“Shut up Jim…you’re a clumsy idiot.” Andy replied.

“Naw-uh, you’re the clumsy idiot.” Came the next reply.

“Oh yeah, who’s the one who spilled an entire box of Cherios last week.” Andy argued.

“I never did that. Now you’re a lying-clumsy-idiot!” Jim said.

“LIAR JIM!!” Andy screamed…

My mind raced back to the times I was called a “stupid-idiot” by my sister and it was pretty much everyday. Which is fine for me, because unlike a normal person, I didn’t develop into a person with low self-esteem, it just rolled off my back like water on a duck.

When other people were rude to me, it didn’t bother me at all. I just figured they were stupid idiots.

That was until I got married. I learned I had a harsh way with words. In the past I thought I got stuck with overly sensitive women, but as it turns out, I was just a really rude bastard. Oh well, I’ve changed my ways.

Anyways, we go home and I watch the “The Nativity” and learned a few things.

First, I didn’t know Mary was Hispanic. The lady on the movie had to be Mexican, because when she gave birth to the Jesus she yelled, “I ching-gow.” Which I think is cursing in Mexican.

Second, what about the afterbirth? If Jesus was holy, and Mary was holy…would’t the placenta be holy too? Wouldn’t it hold some power?

I think it would.

I figure with that everlasting life flowing in and out of it for nine months, that would be one battery that wouldn’t run out.

Perhaps they fed it to one of the animals in the manger.

I ran upstairs to study the nativity decoration on our mantel…yup, it was a cow.

I figure if that cow ate it, it would become a holy cow and would produce magical moo-moo juice. Now that cow would have reproduced and may have a blood line that exists today producing the magic elixir of power.

So now we have the power of everlasting life in one of two sources, The Placenta of Power, which was probably buried somewhere or in a holy cow.

I think the quest for the Placenta of Power or the Holy After-Birth of Bethlehem, should be the theme of the next Indiana Jones Movie.

Now that I think about it, I can’t believe that with all the Biblical Scholars in the world, none of them have thought to harness the energy from the Placenta of Power…what a bunch of stupid idiots.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Clean up in isle nine!

POSH-POSH

These last few weeks have been a little busy, but that’s just the way it is with Thanksgiving, Christmas and kids.

Baby-gurl 1 had a Thanksgiving deal-eo, but I couldn’t go. My wife went and got the whole thing on our digital camera, and I strung all those clips together to make a nice little movie.

After watching the video, I couldn’t figure what those kids were singing, the video was ok, but I didn’t recognize any songs. That’s’ the way it is these days, you can’t say “Indian” unless your referring to a software engineer. You can’t refer to Santa or Jesus…I’m not even sure if you can say “Pilgrim” anymore.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, we ate at a relative’s, but I like the sweet Thanksgiving leftovers. So instead of Christmas shopping the next day, I went to a store that sold thawed out turkeys…the day after they were on sale for half price.

Now last week, we still had a good amount of leftovers because I didn’t freeze any of it. The wife and kids wouldn’t touch it, but it looked ok to me.

I tested it out first by giving my kitty a bit, and she seemed to like it just fine. I gave it a taste…a little salty, little slimy, but ok by me. So not wanting to waste perfectly good food, I started grabbing handfuls and shoving it in my mouth…chased with a mouthful of jelly cranberry stuff from the can, and a good slug of beer – ‘cause of the salty-ness. Thinking back, maybe I should have been more conservative, but I was really hungry.

About four beers later, it was mostly finished!

All was fine ‘til about 2am. I woke up to the sound of the kitty throwing up on the rug. I didn’t really take that as a positive sign and sat up. My stomach started gurgling like there was no tomorrow.

Someone once told me that if I ate a few Tums with soda, I would burp all that gurgle away. So I tried it. Only I didn’t have any soda, so I chugged a couple of beers then I took about 12 Tums and just swallowed them whole, ‘cause I really don’t like the way they taste.

Soon my gut was churning every which way but loose. Next thing I know, something was bellowing up my gullet, and it weren’t no burp…so I high-tailed to the bathroom, kicked the toilet seat up and thar-she-blew.

The way that turkey and beer shoot out, I could have put out a fire across the street. It hit the toilette so hard, the water in the toilet shoot up into the bathroom and covered the walls.

Did I mention my daughter doesn’t like to flush?

Well, she don’t. To make a long story short, one day the toilet backed up after she pooped and now she’s afraid to flush, ‘cause she doesn’t want to be responsible for poo floating on the floor. Usually flush for her, but today she must have made a pit stop without me knowing it.

The contents of that toilet and my gut splattered all over the counter, the wall, and the mirror. Mixed with a good helping of beer, turkey, and blood.

Well, I thought it was blood at first, but a trip to the doctor the next day revealed that it was probably just the cranberry sauce I ate. At least I didn’t have any internal bleeding.

However, going back to that night, my wife heard all the commotion, and she wasn’t so happy and wouldn’t let me out until I cleaned up the mess.

I can’t wait for Christmas, I sure love turkey!

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Are you gonna really take political advice from someone who went thru all that!

IOWA

We’re getting close to the Iowa primaries and I can’t help but share what I think is the lowdown on this whole caper. I’ll cut to the chase and let you know who I think will win:

DEMOCRATES

#1 Barack Obama
Is he the best choice? Well I don’t think so. But he’s a good choice. I think he stands for the working class and nothing will do more good for the economy than putting money in the hands of the working class. In terms of international policies, I think he’s best equipped to comprehend the ramifications of American presence and action in other countries; as a result, his judgement will be the best in regards to the international mess that the Republicans put us in.

#2 Hillary Rodham Clinton
Her time passed in the last election, she should have run then. There was a transition period that needed a Democrat that would ease the transition from a big business run Washington that could care less about the working class and put money into the hands of corporate leaders, to a Democrat that cared about the working class but still held corporate hands while skipping merrily down strawberry fields. With Bush in office for that last four years, it’s just too late for that now.

#3 John Edwards
He still may have a chance for the White House, but I don’t think he’ll be the Democratic nominee. Like Barack, he’ll benefit the American people economically, which in turn will help the economy. Seems to me his heart is in the right place and nothing can replace that, no planning or strategies can create anything better for the American people. However, American’s seldom pick the best choice, it’s a prom king and queen election and the most popular not the most intelligent are the winners.

#4 Don’t know – Maybe Biden? Again, he should have run last time. Kucinich? Maybe, Unlike Hillary and Biden, it’s not too late for him…it’s too soon. We’ll need him back four years from now. His ideas are great, but it’s just too soon for any of them to come into the light.


REPUBLICANS

The Republican party has had a history of going to war and passing economic policies that benefit a few multi-millionaires by taking gas money out of the pockets of the average worker. So how do they get elected? Sure they get the economic funding from corporations, but how can an individuals who has to skimp on necessities be tricked into electing a party that in turn makes life worse?

As I mentioned, our Presidential election is a prom king and queen election. The Republican party represents the wealthy. The poor schmuck that has to cut his grocery bill in half gets a chance to go the GOP primaries and be part of the exclusive “Big-Boy Club.” These poor souls would never get past the front door of the prom dance if the big-boys didn’t need their vote.

So for a few months the down-trodden gains entrance to a world that they would never see. In a way, by voting with the wealthy they get to pretend that they are part of that world and forget that they’re the poor folk who will eventually foot the bill.

With that said here is my half-ass attempt to predict the Republican, Iowa winners:

#1 Giuliani
Clearly the worst choice, therefore, the most likely to win. His poor judgement to get New Yorkers back into the city and working while it was covered with toxic gasses, asbestos, and microscopic size particles floating in the air will probably kill more people in ten years, than the actual fall of the twin towers.

#2 Romney
In short, he’s like the star quarterback, of the football team at the prom. For that reason, the masses will flock to him like rats to the pied piper.

#3 Thompson
He’s just that popular! I loved him in “War Games” with Matthew Broderick and for that I would consider voting for him.

This is my very opinionated prediction.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: More Nonsense!

The Best of Senitram!

Since I got absolutely no ideas on what to write and all the writers are on strike, I decided to post this column from 5 years ago...enjoy, the Best of Senitram! And by the "Best" I mean a random column that's not too bad.

Here's an interesting question from Wayne, "Why are there no B batteries?"

When I first read this I thought it was some sort of joke. So I went to the local store and checked it out. Yep, no B batteries to be found. I thought the best thing to do, would be to consult an expert. That's when Ginger Lynn came to mind! No one would know more about batteries than the most famous porn star in the world. So I went to her web site and wrote her an email with my question and patiently waited by my computer for her reply.

This is why the column is late this week. I'M STILL WAITING!!! I know it was foolish, and I'll probably end up with a bunch of porn email...but it was a risk I was willing to take...just for you my dear sweet readers! After two days I decided to go ahead and do the research myself.

Turns out, it all has to do with Aliens, Hollywood, and the Government.

My research led me to a section of Omaha called "Two Rivers." It is named that because there are two rivers there. It's right next to "Big Lake," which you can get to by taking "Rocky Road." Although "Big Lake" is a big lake, "Rocky Road" is not really all that rocky. Nebraskans are real creative at naming things.

Anyway, according to local legend, an Alien spacecraft intended to land in a nice grass field for a picnic, but accidentally landed square in the middle of "Two Rivers." Well that space-ship motor got all wet and wouldn't start. So them Aliens climbed out to look for help. Luckily they found a local farmer that pulled the ship out of the water with a horse and a good strong piece of rope.

The farmer, who we will call "farmer," thought they looked kinda funny, so he says, "Hey, you guys look kinda funny." He was training to be a Nebraska Highway Patrol Man and responded just like the manual says. He swiftly pulled out his shotgun and says, "You ain't Meskins or Negros is you!"

Knowing they were in trouble, the Aliens told the farmer that they was from Hollywood and they were doing a movie. That seemed to go well with the farmer.

Then the Alien mechanic put on his overalls and got to work on that space-ship. Turned out that a bunch of batteries got wet and that's why the ship didn't go. So he replaced all the batteries. Just by chance, no "B" size batteries needed changing.

Although it's a strict rule not to litter on other planets, the space mechanic just threw the them old batteries on the grass. Scattered around the ship was every battery that had been replaced, which was pretty much every sort of battery there was, except B batteries. When he finished with the space-ship, they had their picnic and invited the farmer to join them.

I guess that Alien food gave the farmer a sour stomach and he took to moaning and groaning and carry'n on. So the Alien Doctor gave the farmer an atomic space enema, which really helped out. The farmer thanked them kindly again and again. The Aliens must have thought that humans just love those enema's, 'cause since-then, they give one to every human they meet.

The farmer watched them get in their ship and take off into space. At first he thought that they had some new fancy Hollywood truck and that's why it flew straight up in the air. But after a few months of thinkin' about it, he concluded they was not actors from Hollywood, but actually actors from another planet. So he calls the FBI to go search the area where the ship was. Turns out that's when they found the mysterious devices we now call batteries. Since batteries hadn't been invented yet, they were real excited about this new technology. All sorts of batteries were found from Triple A, to Triple X (the government haven't figured out how XXX batteries work yet). Only no B batteries.

So the FBI asks the farmer, "Where the hell are the B batteries!"

The farmer says, "Guess those actors got 'em."

Well then the FBI goes out and does all sorts of studies and reports, and conclude that B actors must be hogging the B batteries. So they get some guy named McCarthy to go out and throw B actors in jail so they can be questioned about the batteries. They told everyone that they were looking for Communists, but what they really wanted were those batteries.

They never got 'em, and we've had to live without them ever since. At least, according to local legend.

And now you know!

24

Just when the networks got rid of all those lame reality shows and graced us with real TV shows that requires writers, the writers decided that they wanted a piece of the TV pie and went on strike.

Well, good for them! But why should we all suffer?

Always ready to help a brother in need, I decided to go ahead and write the next episode of “24”. My only handicap is that I’ve never seen the show, but I looked up the last episode on the internet and will continue the series, for you, for as long as it takes!

Another handicap is that the only TV show I’ve ever watched regularly is re-runs of “I Love Lucy” on TV Land. So I’ll just have to do the best I can with what I know.

The show opens up at some country that’s gonna get blown up by an air strike to appease the Russians. (?) I don’t know where this takes place, but imagine a land with lots of sand. Jack is with Bill and together they will save Jacks son Josh who just happens to be in the same country that is gonna get bombed!

Jack: Will you hurry up already? We gotta get goin’ so’s we can save me bambino!

Bill: Well, before we get goin’ on your little adventure, I wanna know who’s gonna pay for the taxi! (Bill pulls his pants up to his belly button)

Jack: Wha’ you talkin’ bout? We already agreed, we’s gonna split the cab right down the middle! (Jack waves his arms in the air while he speaks.)

Bill: Split the cab! I never agreed that! I agreed to help get your boy. Split the cab, are you out of your mind! It’s your kid!

Jack: Look Bill, juice gonna be riding in it too! It halvsies, I told juice before!

Bill: I’m just sayin’, that back seat is gonna be there whether we ride in it or not, and the taxi fare will be the same. Why should I have to pay!

Jack: Aiee-yi-yi! (He slaps his hand on his forhead.)

Ethel: Now Bill, don’t be such a cheap skate! We gotta go save Ricki-Jr.!

Bill: Ok because it’s Ricki-Jr. (Bill turns his back to Jack and pulls out his wallet and takes out a few bills.)

Jack: Lookie here Bill, a-couple dollars jus not gonna cut it. (He gets louder now.) It costs more than five pesos to go cross-country in a taxi…fork over the cash. (He says while holding his hand out.)

Bill: Awwwwwww! (He hands Jack a few more dollars.)

Driver: Look you’s guys gonna ride or not. I got other customers waiting if you got somthin’ else to do!

Jack: Here you go. (Jack gives the driver a good hard stare while he hands him the cash.)

Driver: Who are your givin’ the evil-eye too?

Jack: Now don’t you get started!

Taxi Driver: You lookin’ at me? You lookin’ at me? I don’t see anyone else here? You must be lookin’ at me? (He reaches in his coat pocket…)

Jack: Ok’s, Ok’s, don’t get ‘xcited, her’s a few more pesos! (He hands the driver more money and they all climb in the Taxi and drive off.)

Ethel: I just hope Ricki-Jr. didn’t get hurt while you two were arguing! (She sulks while folding her arms.)

Jack: Look Ricki-Jr. will be just fine. All we has to do is….Did juice hear that?”

Bill: What Jack, what did you hear?

Jack: Stop the taxi! Stop the taxi! (He says with wide open eyes.)

(The Driver stops.)

Jack: Its coming from the trunk! The trunk!

(They all get out and gather around the trunk.)

Ethel: Oh dear, what could it be?

Jack: Open the trunk! Open the trunk! (He says to the driver.)

Driver: All right, all right, keep yer pants on. (He fumbles through his keys and opens the trunk.)

(The trunk pops open and a familiar red-head sits up with eyes wide open.)

Jack: Lucy! Wha’ juice doin’ in there?

Lucy: I wanna help save Ricki-Jr.!

Jack: I tol’ you, you can’t be in the show! Saving Ricki-Jr. is a man’s job and is no place for a silly red-head!

Lucy: But Ethel got to go!

Jack: That’s completely differn’t. Bill can’t do a thin’ without Ethel.

Ethel: That’s for sure.

Bill: Hey!

(The sound of approaching planes gets louder)

Jack: Now look wha’ you did, we’s all gonna get blown to smitherines! (He says while putting both hands on his head.)

Lucy: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Take to file footage of an atomic explosion)

The End.

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: More Scripts!

STRIKE!

I’m sure with the professional style writing you enjoy here at TheWeirdcrap.com, you were not expecting a column because of the writers strike currently going on.

However, we are not effected because we don’t employ anyone despite the quality entertainment you receive on a weekly basis. But if you’ve visited our sister site / section AlarminglyStrangeStories.com you may have noticed that we haven’t had a new story for quite some time. This is because of the demands of having two children and me personally editing and posting each story myself.

All I can say is its my bad, but its my family or this site which brings absolutely no monetary income to the household. With that choice, I’m afraid the family wins. But now that Baby Gurl II is sleeping all night, I have energy to work on the site again.

I have big plans for 2008 with the launch of AlarminglyStrangeStories.com, version 3.0! I don’t want to reveal any secrets yet because I’m still seeing if I have the technical ability to pull it off…but it’s taking the site to a whole new level!

So for all you readers and writers of Science Fiction, Horror, and Comedy…we’re not dead yet.

Speaking of writers, we have suffered a bit from the strike to be perfectly honest. I don’t actually create all my own material, but I do employ one person for idea’s. He’s not really a writer, more of an idea man. In fact, I’m not really sure if he knows how to write.

His name is Angus and he enjoys a nice cigarette outside once in a while. This is where I met him.

I went outside to the gazebo where all smokers are required to go, so we don’t spread the cancer to co-workers. Anyway this guy is slept in clothes was outside by the sandy ashtray. I noticed that instead of putting a smoke in the tray he was shifting through the tray and picking out the smokes that seemed to have some promise.

I roll my own cigarettes by hand because its cheaper than paying a butt-load per pack. So he see’s me with a hand rolled filter-less cigarette and says with a big smile, “Alriiiiight, now your talking. How about a little drag?”

I explain that it’s just tobacco, and I can roll him a fresh one. So I do. He’s been my buddy ever since. As we’ve talked about this and that, I mentioned my column and after a while he started coming up with good ideas.

I think sometimes the ideas are fueled by Nyquil, chased by malt liquor…but who am I to judge? A good idea is a good idea. Well that’s our only paid – staff member.

Last Friday, he was no where to be found. Although he’s not a member of any Union, I think he’s holding back in honor of those who work for a living. What a great guy!

Anyway, this is why today's entry sucks a big apple.

And now you know!

COMING NEXT: What happened to all those reality shows?

Happy Halloween

I’m very excited about Baby Gurl II sleeping all night! Although, I’m still suffering a little sleep deprivation due to a nasty cold I got. The other night I took some Nyquil and went to sleep, but I found out for some reason, it gives me real serious blow-hard gas, so I go to the couch to sleep for the night where I could let loose anything that wanted to escape.

I woke up early that morning. I sat up in a half-asleep daze and noticed it was a bit chilly. I looked around.

“What the…?” I noticed the front door was open and cold air was blowing in the front room. Feeling exposed, I got up and closed the door. I think I gotta check out the house. I took a few steps in the front room and noticed the window was wide open.

I closed it.

My wife came down the hall in her PJ’s. “It’s cold in here. Why is the window open?”

I turn from my wife to face the window. It was open.

“What the hell?” I muttered under my breath as I closed it again.

I turn around and my wife is right behind me.

“What’s that noise in the chimney?”

I walk toward the chimney and hear a, “Tap-tap.”

“Must be a bird or something.” I explain.

My wife taps on the glass cover, “Tap-tap-tap.”

A reply comes, “Tap-tap-tap.”

Feeling a little spooked now, I run outside, around the house to the chimney. There’s a little snow on the ground and my socks are getting wet. “Hey, who’s there at the chimney!”? I yell.

No one is there.

I feel stupid and go back inside. My wife is still facing the chimney. I look up the stairs and a little boy about 6 years old is walking down the hall, rubbing his eyes.

“Where did you come from?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” He says, “I woke up here.”

I go upstairs a little concerned for my two Baby Gurls.

Two more boys walk from Baby Gurl II’s room.

“Where are we?” One asks.

“You woke up here too?” the first boy asks.

“Uh, huh.” Comes the reply.

I look down toward the front room where my wife is and she’s in a daze by the presence of about five more kids wondering around our front room.

Worried about my own Girls, I check Baby Gurl II’s room and she’s safe and asleep in her crib. I head toward Baby Gurl I’s room and a girl around 8 wanders out of her room. I walk past her and check Baby Gurl I. She’s fast asleep and safe.

I walk toward the kitchen and the ol’ lady’s making breakfast for our house full o’ kids.

I’m a little spooked and a little mad. I take the oldest girl by the arm and demand she tells me where they came from. She yanks her arm away and states that they just woke up here.

“That’s it!” I yell. “You kids got to go back to where-ever you came from.”

The 8-year old speaks up, “Where we came from, we can’t go back.”

“I’m calling the police!” I say as I pick up the phone.

As I start to dial, the oldest girl throws up on my arm and face. Pissed, I take her to the bathroom, and she throws up some more in the toilet. I wash the puke from my arm and it turns from an oatmeal consistency to a thick black sloth. I wash the puke from my face only to realize that I have some of it in my mouth. It tastes bitter.

I rinse the puke from my mouth with water cupped in my hands and the black sloth starts to ooze from my mouth. Feeling sick, I scoop more water in my mouth and spit out more of the black ooze that seems to grow the more I try to get it out.

I look up from the sink with the ooze dripping from my chin and the girl is starring at me with a smile, “That should do it.” She says.

I’m speechless.

“Soon you’ll be one of us.”

With a sudden jerk I waken. I look toward the front door and it is closed. “Thank God.” I mutter under my breath.

And now you know!

COMING NEXT: Something less creepy.

How dumb are we?

So a few weeks ago I wrote about Baby-Gurl II getting an ear infection and not sleeping. Since I’ve been getting up with her, it left me worn out due to lack of sleep and stepping up my work-out routine right before the sleepless nights began.

As soon as she gets over the infection, she starts up with four new teeth…poor thing. More sleepless nights. Again with the fevers, I think it’s just the teething.

How dumb am I?

Didn’t I just mention a week ago if the sleep ain’t right…the kid ain’t right?

I take her to the Doctor and she does have a virus. I kept her home two days and by Friday she’s back to normal.

Last night I slept the whole night, 10pm to 6am. I can’t remember the last time I did that.

Anyways, I got an email last week about my immigration comment. To my surprise, they supported the concept and even ended it with, “I can’t believe I never put the two together. How dumb am I?”

My idea was simple. If we won’t have enough work force to support the Social Security and Medicare for the baby-boomers (I’m guessing 25 – 30 years down the road), and if we have immigrant’s just dying to become a member of the work force, why not set up a system that welcomes them and allows us to accurately track and tax them. With the added work force we should be able to maintain our social security and medicare obligations.

Here are some more, “How dumb are we’s?”

After 9/11, when the air in New York was literally toxic, Giuliani assured the general public the air was safe and everyone should go back to their home and get back to work.

Don’t want to let them terrorists win, ya’ know.

The asbestos and toxic gasses were so bad EPA employees were coughing up blood by the end of the first week. My prediction, as a result of ignoring recommendations and common sense, Giuliani will be responsible for untold thousands of deaths due to respiratory problems directly related to everyone rushing back to work after 9/11.

Although it hasn’t happened yet, I think Giuliani’s poor judgement will kill more Americans than Osama and George Bush combined.

And now he may be elected President of the USA…How dumb are we?

Ann Coulter has a book called, “If Democrats had any brains, they’d be Republicans.” I don’t know the details of the book, because I haven’t read it. But how can a statement like that hold water when Republicans ran the country for the last eight years and made bad-horrible-stupid decisions every step of the way?

I took the liberty of looking up the un-employment rate of the last 50 years. If you alight the dates of surging unemployment rates with Republican Presidential terms, they line up almost perfectly. So every time, not once in a while…every time, every, time, EVERY – TIME, we have Republicans in the White House the economy goes in the shitter.

However, according to Ann, this is good.

It just goes to show, slap a catchy title on a book, show a little cleavage and you got yourself a best seller. How dumb are we?

Earlier this summer, I saw what looked like was skin-head in a car next to me with a wife beater on, and what looked like a swastika tattoo on his shoulder . I don’t know if it was permanent or not…but he looked like a classic skin-head. Scarry, I tried not to stare. What was most surprising to me at the time was the music booming from his car.

Gangsta-Rap, maybe Fitty-cent, I don’t know. I stopped listening to rap when Run DMC stopped makin’ records. But it puzzled me all summer. Why would a skin-head support Gangsta-Rap? Then recently it occurred to me.

It’s all about killin’ brothers, and disrespecting black women and all the things a skin-head would support. It’s like a self-cleaning oven, Black culture disrespects themselves so the skin heads don’t have too.

I guess back in the Jim Crow days, it took a lot of effort for the KKK to kill black people and try to grind them into the ground, now we do it ourselves. How dumb are we?

Where’s Stevie Wonder when you need him?

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: About those dreams!

Tea for the tillerman

This week was difficult. First of all, I started pumping up my work out for muscle gain since I’ve been working out with warm up weights for the last two years. It all started a few years ago when I noticed I had round voluptuous man-boobs. I never had man-boobs before, and decided they had to go.

The man-boobs are gone and it was time to start pushing a little harder. I have a complex work out I devised a few years ago that involves pushing three muscle groups each session. At my age, it leaves me sore and tired the next day. Actually, I wake up feeling that I just came too after an operation. Sore all over.

Lesson Number One: If the baby doesn’t go to sleep in the usual way, something must be wrong.

So I had that work-out wearing me down. Then unexpectedly, starting on Monday morning around 2am, baby gurl II started waking up in the middle of the night, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I figured I should get up with her, so she won’t look forward to the ol’ lady breast feeding her.

I figure, if I got one of me ol’ ladies, lady’s shoved in my face everytime I threw a fit, I’d be up all night throwing fits too.

So I’m really fatigued anyway, and now I’m getting up in the middle of the night for about two hours. Each time I put her to sleep in the usual way, she wakes up a few minutes later. This happened on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. It seemed to drag on forever.

By Thursday morning, I was so fatigued, I was getting dizzy, disoriented, and nauseous during the day. Finally I went home on Thursday after only working for an hour and had some nice tea, a warm bath and went too sleep until late afternoon. That really fixed me up.

Meanwhile, the ol’ lady took baby gurl II to the doctor and turns out she had an ear infection and we got anti-biotics. She’s still getting up at night, but its not so hard for her to go back to sleep.

Poor thing, she probably felt like shit, but with no cold symptoms like a runny nose and cough, we didn’t know. I was really tired in the middle of the night and got mad at her for not going to sleep…now I feel bad for getting angry. But it’s hard when you haven’t slept for a long time.

There were a few times I had to just put her in bed and let her cry for 15 minutes…I just had to get away from her for a few minutes. Once I found out she was sick, I just held her until she fell sound asleep. I still feel guilty about getting impatient with her, she was just sick.

Lesson Number Two: Leave no child behind.

Bush stated he would never allow the new “S-Chip” bill to go through as law. Finally after green-lighting every bill brought to him for seven straight years he decided to use a veto. His administration has accumulated more debt than our country has ever seen. Here’s an example: If you take all the US debt accumulated since George Washington to President Regan, it is less than the debt accumulated since the Bush administration took office. Finally, he says, “No.”

Considering that the funding of the S-Chip is less than the money used to fund one week in Iraq, it seems like a small amount to help those who are left behind by commercial health care. Middle income people struggle or fail to provide medical coverage to their children because of rising costs. Bush decided to leave them behind.

How can this be good?

I guess when he said, “Leave no child behind.” He was referring to sending kids off to war.

Lesson Number Three: What’s so bad about immigration?

Both political parties are all up in arms about the immigration problem. We even have private citizens “guarding” the border to protect us from the brown hordes of people who want to work simple jobs.

Here’s something to consider, in ten to twenty years, the baby boomers will all be retired. Our working population will not be large enough to support Social Security and mostly importantly Medicare. US corporations aren’t going out of business – so the work will be available – there just aren’t enough people to work the jobs, that will be taxed to support our large aging population that just seems to live longer and longer.

In comes, hordes of people willing to work minimum wage jobs. Workers, lots of workers that will be taxed if we get our shit together. In the long term, Immigration is not really a problem, it’s a solution. What we need to do, is set up a system that insures these workers are here legally and taxed. Otherwise, US corporations will need to move operations to other counties while our senior citizens are forced to eat dog food as a result.

The choice is ours.

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: The dreams, the horrible, entertaining dreams!

Just a Blog...

Well as about six people may have noticed last week, I did not post a blog. I wrote one, but decided not to post it…it just wasn’t worth it. It was about Alberto Gonzales stepping down and Bush’s loosing administration. But five years ago, that had some shock value, now it’s just the same ol’ same ol’.

Although I did find it interesting that Greenspan finally spoke and and basically said, “It’s not my fault.” The fiscal mess is the result of out of control spending and tax cuts, when we needed to be very conservative about spending and the fiscal budget. But Cheny spoke up and explained the budget problems was caused by…yup, you guessed it 9/11.

Gee, I didn’t see that coming.

Anywho’s, I’m changing direction this week and I’m gonna blog. Just a blog to tell you what life is like for ol’ middle class wife and two kids Senitram. I got two baby gurls, one in kindergarten and one that’s a year and a half. Last week, I got a call from daycare that the littlest had a high fever and I had to got get her. So I did. I am fortunate that I have a job that lets me leave if I have too. Traditionally, I save two weeks of vacation for “kid – sick – time.”

So I pick up the kid, and she’s tired and it’s almost 11am, so I figure – early lunch time and nap, so she can fight the bug.

Lesson #1: Don’t turn your back on a 1 ½ year old.

So she’s in the high chair and I give her a little fruit (pear) and some “baby-ravioli, pick-me-ups.” Which she proceeds to throw on the floor with her milk. Then I figure, she has to eat something and she likes waffles, so I give her a waffle cut up and a baby bowl of syrup to dip it in. Then I proceed to pick up the ravioli, pear and spilled milk when I get bonked on the head.

Baby Gurl II is laughing and I have a baby-bowl of syrup on my head with syrup running down my face. My first thought is, “God-damn it!” It’s frustrating, but I know she’ll only be sick for a day or so, so I bear with it and splash water on my face and hair in the kitchen sink.

Then she starts crying because she don’t have anything left to throw on the floor. I dry off quickly and take her out of the chair and we go to the TV room and I let her play for half an hour before nap. She slept pretty good and I got short nap too, which I wouldn’t have gotten at work. When she woke up she was in good spirits and ate a whole pear.

That’s my domestic story.

Lesson #2: I’m not as young as I used to be…

That was on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I decided to work out with the same routine I did ten years ago it’s harsh, but I’ve been working out with warm-up weights for two years and I’m ready. Second work out was on Thursday. The routine requires three days, one hour of extreme pressure on specific muscle groups – I designed it myself. By Friday morning I woke up and felt like I was waking up from a surgery. Every muscle was sore and every movement was accompanied by a pop or a snap from some joint. It took me three days to recuperate. I’m gonna have to revise my work-out.

I started working out two years ago. One day I was brushing my teeth, shirtless, and I noticed I had man-boobs. Not the square pecks that I had when I got married, a round soft chest. That’s when I decided to work-it. I pushed my self a little hard last week, but I have to admit, after a few years of keeping at it, I look pretty good for an 80 year old man.

Lesson #3: Give your self plenty of time when you do any work on a car…

Today I went out to change brake pads on all four tires. Normally 15 minutes per tire. I’ve done it a thousand times. But I stopped between each tire and did something else. I started the last tire around 7pm – no problem. Only on this tire, the caliper was stuck and I was working outside (in the dark) until 9:30 pm.

If you don’t know what a caliper is, it doesn’t matter. Just remember, no matter how simple it may seem. Start early and try to finish early in case you run into problems.

Well that’s my report for today.

And now you know – what it’s like to be Bob Senitram.

Coming Next: Tea for the Tillerman and mail!

Shongs Part Last

Continued from the last several weeks…

“So how did you get here?” I asked.

“You want the long version or the short one?”

“Short” I replied.

“You’ve been left our planet 140 years ago.” She explained.

“Really?”

“I’m sort of a historian, I was just curious to meet the man who made first contact.” She continued. “The record showed that your return to your world was less spectacular than your arrival to our world. I wanted to change that.”

“I still don’t get it.” I admitted.

“Traveling thru dimensions and time is trickier than first perceived. You traveled across to our world, but there was no control of the time. You actually arrived in our world 70 years after you left. When you returned, it was another 70 years. 140 years have passed, give or take a few months. When you first arrived, you were not happy.”

“When I first arrived?” I asked.

“I’ve traveled back in time.”

“So we can travel through time too?” I was surprised about that.

“We can only travel backwards if we are traveling from one world to another. And only someone from my world can travel back in time to your world, and only someone from your world can travel back in time in our world.”

“I don’t know why, but that’s how it works. So if someone from your world traveled back in time to our world, then came back with a setting that would put him in the past on Earth…he ends up at the same point in time in which he left. It’s a little tricky.”

“Anyway on your first visit,” she continued, “the reception party for you was just a hand full of undergrads who were curious. They didn’t break the news so well about you being in the future, and…well, you kind of freaked out and was put in isolation. Not much of an end for a hero. That’s why I’m here and the jerks are all gone.”

“So everyone I know is dead?” I asked.

“Yes, but there’s a whole new world out there and I think you’ll be impressed. You can even travel back to our world to see the changes that have happened thanks to you. You’ve missed a lot, but there’s so much more you get in exchange.”

“Can I check my email?” I asked, still a little dizzy.

Realizing our technology was advanced, I continued, “Email is a mail system using computers.” I paused. “A computer is networked to…”

“I know what a computer is.” She interupted.

“Sorry, I don’t know how much you know…”

“It’s ok. Suffice to say we have a lot of your technology, and to tell the truth we’ve improved on a lot of it, but one thing we don’t have is your communications network. Your network started from the ground up. You wired the whole world before you set up satellites. It sounds crazy, but it’s a really good back up system. We’re actually in the process of contracting with AT & T to set up a similar system. To back up our satellite communications system…”

“So I’m guessing I’ll see some of you guys here on Earth?” I replied.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much all over the place.” She explained.

“You’ll be my guide?”

“At your service.” She bowed just to be silly.

“And I know what your thinking…forget about it. People from your world and our world can’t reproduce, so anything between you and I is out of the question.” She then put on a sly smile. “We could have sex non-stop for the next fifty years and we’d never have any kids.”

“Well, the future is perfect after all…how ‘bout that drink?”

“I think I’d like that.” She replied with a smile.


THE END

COMING NEXT: Reality bites!

Shongs Part Trice

NOTE FROM MR. SENITRAM:

Sorry folks, looks like I took another month off and just left you guys
hangin’. Well, here’s the rest of the Shongs dream.

If you
didn’t read the last ones, your out of luck, I haven’t updated the archives for
a while…but I’ll get right on it.

Here’s a summary.
Our hero went into a trans-dimensional-time portal to make first contact with a
world from a different time and dimension. The folks there were a little
different but interesting enough. When we left off, he just got into his
time-dimensions thing-a-ma-bob and headed home with the good news that some real
nice folks were at the other end, just waiting to get a taste of good ‘ol
American technology.

Enjoy.

You black out during the transfer. Two simultaneous jumps can be hard on a guy. Every joint in my body is aching and my head feels like its gonna explode. I push the small round door open and stumble out.

Everything is blurry and I feel like a took a couple of shoots after running a marathon.

I’m just not with it.

I look around, same warehouse that I left about a half hour ago, but where is everybody? Where’s all the stuff?

Suddenly I feel tingly, and a void of some sort opens in front of me. It’s pushing me way like a strong magnet or gravitational force. I fall to the floor and see a flash of light. That’s the last thing I remember before I black out.

“You OK?”

I look up. Nice lookin’ lady. I look closer…she’s not human.

“My name’s Fawna. You OK?” She says as she lends me a hand.

“Did something go wrong? I’m back at…at…”

“Shelan?” She added.

I think to myself, “Great, I never asked the name of the planet.”

She continued, “No, you’re back on Earth. I followed you!”
I look into her elfish eyes. These folks remind me of elves. No they don’t have pointed ears or long noses or any anti-human feature at all. Yet, when I look at one all I think of is elf. Only this time I noticed her long auburn hair hanging from her shoulders. Long and slender these creatures are, and she was no different. A smile came to my eyes. “You followed me?”

“It’s kind of a long story, but I’m very familiar with your story and I volunteered to come and well help soften the blow of your arrival.” Fawna blushed and looked away, “I guess you can say I’m a fan, I’ve always wanted to meet you.”

I couldn’t help but notice her shapely figure as she twisted her body to look away. Nice. Real nice. Like I said, I felt like I just took a couple of shots too many, so I’m easily distracted.

While admiring her figure, my mind and eyes wondered to her breasts. Like I said nice. But these if these “Shelan’s” are like plants, what’s in the breasts? If these guys photosynthesize, what would be in their female’s breasts? Plain water for their young? Would it have some kind of plant nutrients inside? Would it taste like honey-dew melon? Do they have some kind of sticky sap?

Hmmmm, I like the honey-dew melon idea.

“Ahhhhh, hello? Up here!” Fawna calls to me waving a hand over her face.

I think to myself, “Jesus, how long was I starring at her boobs?” I really don’t know.

“Sorry, just a bit groggy.”

“I bet!”

She seems more amused than mad.

“If I remember, there a pub down the street…” I start…

“Hold on there, hotshot. We gotta little work to do. Aren’t you wondering how I followed you?

“Now that you mention it, how did you follow me?”

COMING NEXT: Honeydew or Honey don’t!

Shongs Part Two

Shongs Part Two

If you missed the first part of this dream, that’s kinda too bad because I haven’t gotten around to updated the archives for the blogs this whole year.

When we left off, the inter-dimensional portal thingy came back with a message from another civilization and now the scientist guys wanna send our hero – me, to that mysterious place beyond. He was describing the whole range of events that lead him into being the chosen one.

Now we continue…

“So they put me in this little machine that you see now. No bigger than a clothes dryer, and now I’m here to make first contact.”

“What’s a clothes dryer?”

“Never mind.” I added.

“There is a record of that dimensional portal that you described. Some kids were messing with it when the government guys got to it. I guess they scratched the smiley face. We didn’t know about that device it vanished before we got to study it. I was kind of a mystery.” The mayor explained. “I’m just a mayor of a small town, are you sure you need to talk to me.” He added.

“Not much of a choice really, I’m due to go back in about twenty minutes. They really don’t know how much time will go by on my world when I’m gone. I just need to let you guys know we’d like to come back.”

“That is, if I make it back alive.” I added.

“We’d love future visits, obviously your civilization is more advanced than ours. I can’t even imagine making such a device.”

I looked around. The building looked like one from the 1920’s. All the detail of fine workmanship. The telephone looked like an old ten pound “Ma-bell” phone. I washed up when I first got there, and the water poured into a bowl from a hand cranked pump.

Definitely a 20’s type civilization. But it seemed odd, that they weren’t freaked out by my presence. The seemed really open to new things. Seemed like nothing would phase these folks.

I looked out the window and saw modern looking cars zipping around, seemed like the technology for these types of vehicles shouldn’t exist, but there they were. The oddest thing was the large reptiles lumbering down the street pulling trailers. They were about twice the size of an elephant, looked sort of like a brontosaurus, but without the long necks. Definitely odd seeing the modern cars zipping around them.

“What are those?” I inquired.

“Shrongs” the mayor replied.

“Why do you call them ‘Shrongs?’” I asked.

“Open the window.”

So I opened the old style, un-insulated, wooden framed window.

With each slow step of the reptile, I could hear and almost feel the vibration caused by its weight. “Shroooong.” One step landed. “Shrooong” went the next step. It was almost had the ringing effect of a deep bell ringing.

“Ok, I get it. We don’t have anything like that on our world. I mean we did, but they all died long ago.”

“I can see that happening. We have some extinct species as well, mostly they died off, because they ate Shrongs and we keep them in barns where they can’t get to ‘em. Not too many of those meat-eaters left.”

“So you guys don’t eat meat?” I asked.

“No, we don’t eat anything. Just need some sunlight, water, and a few nutrients. But the Shrongs, they graze on the grass. It’s pretty cheap to use them.”

“Sunlight and water? Are you guys are plants?’ I asked.

“No.” He laughed. “But we don’t’ have mitochondria like the Shrongs or meat-eaters, we photosynthesis instead. Do you graze?” the mayor added.

“Well, we eat plants and animals.” I admitted. Despite our technological advances, I kinda felt inferior.

“Wow, that is odd. We don’t have anything here that eats both. Most meat-eaters are violent. Are you violent?”

“We can be, but we control it. At least we try too.”

“Your not really making a good case for a future landing. If that’s what you would call it.” The mayor added.

“We are what we are.” I admitted.

“I’m going to leave you with the OK to come back, but I’ll have to alert the higher ups of your nature, we might choose to have the next crew or guy contained in a closed building…you know, to be on the safe side.” The mayor added.

“Maybe a few guards or police.” I added.

“What are those?” he inqured.

“Oh nothing important.” I said. “Time to go.” I added as my watch buzzed. “If you don’t mind, I’ll need a little help closing the door, it’s really cramp in there.”

I climbed back in the small portal and the before the mayor closed the door he added, “I hope you get back safe.”

“Thanks, I added.” As he closed the door which pushed my knee against my chest I felt like luggage being squished in a travel bag, and thought to my self, “Maybe these guys would be better off without us.”

COMING NEXT: Part III, or is it just time to call it quits on this one?

Shongs

Instead of writing something insightful or political, I’m going to grace you with another on of my bizarre dreams. They seem entertaining and I have them whether I want them or not, and the best thing is it requires no effort on my part!

I call this one “Shongs.”

Enjoy!

“So why me?”

“Remember the day after your surgery you were visited by a host of doctors the next day?”

“Kinda.”

“Then later a few more doctors came in, and then you took some stress tests, and x-rays, and blood samples?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Didn’t you wonder why you never got charged for almost a full days worth of tests, not to mention the hospital visit?”

“Not really, I figured if the soup don’t stink don’t stir it. I thought I just got lucky with the billing. A bookkeeping mistake.”

“Well not exactly. The first group of doctors were interns. One of those doctors was a student of Dr. Simmons,”

“OK.”

“You don’t know who Dr. Simmons is, do you?”

“Not really.”

“I’ll explain…” Dr. Wilkens, the experimental physics professor, continued, “Dr. Simmons is the leading researcher in aging research. When his student told him about your youthful appearance, Simmons became interested and ordered a variety of tests to determine your biological age compared to your chronological age.”

“OK.”

“Haven’t you ever noticed you don’t age like most people.”?

“I noticed, I just thought I was lucky.”

“Looking five years younger is lucky. Your were 62 years old and chronologically you were 35. There’s something else going on here.”

“And you want to find out what it is?”

“Eventually, but for now we want to run a few more tests.


Well they poked and drew blood and had me run on a treadmill and breath through tubes and sent me home.

I thought it was all over when they called me back a few weeks later. Next thing I know, they’re tellin’ me I’m still 35. Didn’t have any explanations, but it turns our Dr. Simmons brought my name up to that physics guy who was working on some displacement contraption. He explained the whole thing to me…

“So what happens again?”

“Time is interwoven with the universal theory of everything, which is connected to gravity, which is connected with gravitational strings. In order to span across great distances instantaneously, strings not only distort time, they can control it. Bend it to suit its needs in the universe.

At least that’s what we think.”

“OK, what about the dimensions you mentioned.”

“In order for gravitational strings to control time, they travel in and out of different dimensions, so they get a signal in our universe, jump to a different dimension – travel – then pop back to our dimension to exert its gravitational effect – instantaneously.

At first we were trying to manipulate gravitational strings to travel in time, but it turns out when our probes jump to a different dimension, tracked by the number of strings generated to get them there, they were instantaneously destroyed on the other end.

Whatever was there, something from our universe couldn’t survive. Maybe because time doesn’t exist on the other end, we don’t know. That’s when we stumbled upon 35 MS (35 mega-string dimension). If it survived the probe was designed to come back the way it left…and it did.”

“Really.”

“That’s not all, when it came back it had an etching on the side.”

“Get out of town. What was it?”

“A smiley face.”

And now you know…

COMING NEXT: SHONG PART II or WHY ME?

The eye's have it...

This is Part II of a vision I call love dream number 6 which occurred to me as a dream.

When we left off our hero was deep underground with alarm buzzers going off and sub-zero mist leaking into the hallway. Having missed his opportunity to escape, he sat down to accept his fate.

“…And that’s the last thing I remember.” My speech is kinda slurred, I feel like I just came too after an operation.”

“Did you feel any pain?”

“Uhh no, not that I know of, I just sat down and the next thing I remember…I was here. Where is ‘here’ anyway?”

“Well…we had to take you to the closest hospital facility.”

“I was frozen the whole trip?”

“We had a portable unit that thawed you out and got you breathing, but you didn’t wake up until now.”

“Thawed me out?”

“The whole facility remained frozen, powered by an internal thermal-nuclear thingy. I guess they thought it shut down, but since it caved in, all external monitoring devices were destroyed…I guess they guessed wrong.”

“I guess. So back to my question, where am I, Flagstaff?”

“Oh hell-no. That place has been deserted long ago.”

“You mean Flagstaff?”

“No Earth, we just have some remote mining there, the planet’s pretty much wasted.”

“Wow, the whole planet? Where am I?”

“Here take a look out the window.”

The nurse opened up the shade to reveal a red planet.

“This was Earth, nobody lives there anymore. We just mine minerals.”

“What happened?”

“I’m not a historian, I just know we got out before it was too late…Global Warming or something like that.”

“So where do I go from here?”

“’XL358’, turns out you have some great-great-great-great-great-great, -so on and so fourth–grandkid that is anxious to meet you. Doing a thesis on evolution, this is a chance of a lifetime for her.”

“But I don’t have kids…”

“That you knew of, anyways you got a place to go.”

“So just how long have I been frozen?”

“Don’t really know - history is kinda sketchy that far back. It’s like the pyramids, we know they’re there, but nobody knows much about ‘em. Our main concern right now is getting you ready for the trip to ‘XL’”.

“Getting me ready?”

“Sure, we have to replace your eyes with synthetics. At faster than light speed, the soft tissue in your eyes will flatten and you’ll be blind when you arrive. We need to replace your eyes with a harder material.”

“Well, OK. Will it hurt?”

“Not really.”

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­________________________________________________________________

So now I’m sitting here completely paralyzed numb. One eye is covered.

I don’t see the doctor, just a needle-like instrument coming toward my eye. Closer and closer and closer, blood spurts out and all is blank.

I scream.

I feel a numb-rustling about in my socket and I wanna jump up and run, but I can’t move.

I can see again and the doc is asking me to look this way and that, I answer his questions.

“Good.” The doc says, “Just one more eye to go….”

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: ALL ABOARD THE NIGHT-TRAIN!

One foot in the past and one in the future…

I must share with you a vision I call love dream number 6.

Another day at the underground factory.

Down the elevator I go with a host of co-workers…we all have the hum-drum look of another Monday. Elevator shakes and rattles a bit, but keeps goin’. Nobody flinches, we’re used to the bumps and noises, although the guy next to me has a coffee with no lid, dripping shit on the floor.

Dumb ass.

A couple of hundred years ago our job would be the equivalent of coal-miner. I don’t even fully comprehend what I, or the company does, but I’ve been trained and I come on time and do what I was trained to do.

All I know is the machinery we ultimately control does its thing about a quarter mile underground in sub-zero temperatures…on account of the nuclear reactions.

I take five steps out of the elevator and all sorts of alarms are going off with red lights flashing all down the hall. I don’t remember all the codes, but I do remember if you see a red light flash go to the nearest elevator and get the hell out of there.

Mr. Coffee drops his shit on the floor runs right back into the elevator. As I start running toward our only exit, I see his frantic face as he looks me square in the eye while he’s pushing the button to close the door.

I swerve to the right to avoid the spilled coffee on the floor, and almost missed it.

Almost.

I fall and scramble to my feet just in time to see dumb-ass’s face as the door completely shuts.

The next exit is down the hall and to the right. I dart down the hall, swerve to the right and run smack into old Marilyn. We both fall face first to the floor.

I give up. I sit up and watch the closest elevator door close.

Seals in the walls start to leak sub-zero mist into the hall and I take the lotus position and await my fate.

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: They eye's have it!

Goose-stepping to the Republican war machine…

All sorts of things are a’ brewin’ in the news so I don’t know where to start, but lets start with Scooter Libby.

Bush just gave him a “get out of jail card.” He takes care of his own. My theory, unsupported by any factual information is this:

In Bush’s hay-day, he was wire tapping people’s phones, set up the concentration camp for Middle Eastern folks and the nation was cheering through the Iraq war. It seemed like his power and popularity was limitless.

Then Valerie’s hubby reported that the link between Iraq and nuclear weapons was a farce, and this made him mad. I guess he told Cheny to “take care of Valerie.” I don’t know if he meant to ruin her career or put her life in jeopardy. Anyway, Cheny told Scooter, and Scooter told the press she was CIA. Now, like all wrong-doing, it’s coming back to kick ‘em all in the arse.

My advice for Democrats: If you really want to prosecute more of this corrupt staff, you have to wait until Bush is out of office; otherwise, he’ll just give ‘em all “get out jail cards.”

Speaking of Bush employees, Mr. Gonzales. It seemed nice that a Hispanic person was put in a high office, but this was the wrong Hispanic. Gonzales worked for the Bush for a large portion of his career. So when Bush appointed him, he didn’t appoint someone to represent the American people, or Hispanics, he appointed an employee.

As a result, instead of advising the legalities of the President’s wishes, he lets Bush do whatever he feels God told him to do, then scrambles to find some sort of legal reason to justify his actions.

It’s true, we all want to kiss up to the Boss. But if your Boss wanted to go into a meeting naked, would you tell him not to do it, or would you try to explain later that he had invisible clothes?

Speaking of Hispanics, recently Trent Lott announced that, “People are at least as smart as Goats. He puts up an electric fence and after a few zaps, they stop going toward the fence.” I think its obvious he’s comparing Hispanics to goats. Which is a less than complimentary depiction of Hispanics.

But now that I think about it, I would rather be compared to a goat than Alberto Gonzales, so maybe Mr. Lott’s quote wasn’t all that bad.

Which reminds me of a local “news” station here in Omaha which will remain nameless, but if it’s initials are K. F. A.B. Basically the station is filled with announcers and newscasters who fill the airwaves with their observations. Once in a while I like to give it a listen to see what spin influences the stupid people.

I don’t’ listen enough to know the shows or announcers, but here are some of famous quotes I can recall hearing on that station…

“I’m tellin’ you, they still may find weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq!”
-This came about two years after our invasion.

“We need to give more money to large corporations and the people who run those companies, because they know what to do with that money to nourish the economy!”
-It seems to me that if your gonna give tax breaks, you’d give it to people who need it because they will buy stuff they need, and the economy is driven by people buyin’ stuff, not the wealthy putting money in their portfolios. Again supporting the Republican agenda at that time.

“It makes perfect sense to decrease benefits for our military personnel…we need to keep the economy strong!’
-This came a couple of years after increasing tax breaks to the rich caused the economy to go down the crapper.

“Every day we hear about illegal aliens rapping and killing our daughters!”
-We have relatively few murders in Omaha and usually they are drive-by type situations or love triangle things. Several years after hearing that, I’ve yet to hear about an “illegal alien rape or killing in Omaha.” And they call Mexican’s crazy?

These are the reasons why I consider this station to be the voice of the stupid. Like the extreme conservatives, time is their worst enemy because they always seem to be wrong.

Speaking of always being wrong, I have a great idea for Hilary’s campaign! She can come out will doll that looks like her and gives campaign slogans when you squeeze the tummy. Here are some ideas:

“We need to make this nation strong! Like the ultra-strong plastic used to construct my face!”

“If your husband cheats on you, keep smiling! Then kick him in the balls.

“Don’t you dare try to change my hair!”

“I will never ‘Goose-step’ to the Republican war machine! Unless, of course, public opinion supports it.


Well that’s all I got today, sorry I was a day late but I got a family. I’M A FAMILY MAN DAMMIT!

And now you know!

COMING NEXT: My god, am I finally out of ideas?

Trouble again

Well now that I got my computer situation all situated, I'm writing on windows vista. It's kinda neat but, I think I need an upgraded graphic card for it to run fast. For the amount of memory it requires (512 SDRAM), it doesn't go as quick as I expected but I think this was made for the gamer generation who all have fancy-smancy graphic cards.

When I went online to blog my blog, the site was offline, sorry. It should be back up by the time I am done writing this. My server company is cheap, but they have a problem getting stuff straight once in a while.

Speaking of servers and what not, did you know TheWeirdcrap.com has been up and running for eight years!

Since I have nothing else to write about, I'm giving you a history...

Before there was MySpace, before YouTube.com, there was Geocities, homestead, and Angelfire as companies that gave folks free web sites. We started the on Angelfire, then we went fancy and got www.weirdcrap.go.cc as a free web redirect, it still works (they pop up an add).

Then we went razzle-dazzle and got www.TheWeirdcrap.com domain for free! Now this is funny, all I had to do is give them my email address and the company sent me spam in return for a free domain. They went out of business the first year and I've been paying for the domain ever since.

We jumped to about four free server companies before we got to the one we're on now about five years ago, but it ain't free.

When we started, I just wanted something to do with my spare time since my wife was finishing college. Now we got two kids, two cars and two jobs, and a house...boy do things change! I can barely keep up with posting a weekly column.

Well that's it, since I've been paying for server space for five years go ahead and read a few short stories...we got a million of 'em!

http://www.AlarminglyStrangeStories.com

and now you know!

COMING NEXT: That Republican War machine thing!