Dog Shit!?

I’ve been commenting on the debt ceiling issue for a few months and now that it’s all over, all I have to say is “Thanks, Tea Party.” Thanks for creating a financial crisis that otherwise wouldn’t exist.

I’m no financial expert, but I’m guessing its gonna take at least 6-9 months for the financial markets to clean up after the tea party.


Speaking of cleaning up, I thought I’d answer a question from a faithful reader:

Craven Morehead from Mississippi asks:
Why do dogs eat shit?

Dear Mr. Morehead,
Sorry it took over seven years to answer your question, but I’ve been busy.

Since I have a degree in “Science” I thought I would look through some of my old text books to find the answer. Didn’t really come up with anything, so I turned to my second love...THE JESUS CHRIST.

I got no answers when I prayed about it so I decided to go on a holy fast. No sleep, no food, only cigarettes and beer until I passed out. Half a pack of Camels and two beers later I was drooling on the basement floor, sound asleep.

There is no evidence to back up the following explanation; however, since it was a vision brought to me by The Jesus Christ, I don’t need no stinkin’ evidence.

Dogs may seem like complete idiots to anyone blessed with eyes, with the yappin’ and draggin’ butts on the carpet, and the slobberin’, and the eating of the poo; however, the their reasons for eating shit is actually a key that helps us understand a complex and lost civilization that was light years beyond our own.

As everybody knows, our world has been totally destroyed four different times. Each time, life started again. Intelligent life can evolve from whatever organism has the advantage in a particular environment. That organism evolves and before you know it we’re talking on cell phones. In our case apes evolved. But in a different environment intelligent life could evolve from reptiles…or canines.

It is common knowledge that the last intelligent life form came from reptiles, which explains the "Reptile Ruins" found in South Dakota…specifically “reptile park.”

Anyway, still under debate is the intelligent life form that dominated the planet before the Reptilians. A very unpopular theory presented to my by God himself, is that before apes, before the Reptilians, the Canine-ites (intelligent dogs that walked upright) ruled the earth.

The Canine-ites were efficiency experts, in thier world food was scarce and nothing could be wasted. Therefore, to make things more efficient in the digestion process, Dog-Scientists developed nano-machines that were inserted in the digestive tract of all puppies shortly after birth. There, they lived in the dog’s digestive system.

These nano-machines were designed to strip all the nutrients out of food and make it available to the surrounding stomach organelles to digest. They were very efficient, but the dog digestive track worked too fast and they didn't have enough time to suck everything out of food the first time around.

To preserve the precious resources of the Earth, dogs were taught at a young age to eat their poo, so it can go through a second time, giving the "nano's" a chance to really do their job. You may have noticed that dogs also will chew on bones, grass, and pretty much anything they can find. This is because the "nanos" of days-gone-by, could digest and get much needed energy out of just about anything.

Although the Dog-Scientists and the Nano Machines are long gone, dogs still have the habit of eating poo and pretty much anything else in their path.

This also explains why dogs like humans so much, they recognize the "good life" and want to be a part of it.

The Reptilians had a much different life. Their world was extremely violent, even by human standards. Reptiles like to attack humans because they want to take the world back by force; unfortunately, evolution dealt them a crappy hand by not giving them hands or thumbs to work with, and all they have to fight with is their teeth.

And now you know!

COMING NEXT: Can you see the light!