Sunday, July 18, 2010


Ask Bob a Question at
Follow Bob on Twitter where he will let you know when he posts a new column, which you already know since you're here.

At the request of the editor of’s worldwide headquarters located somewhere in southern California, just off Ventura Highway in the Basement of a popular Southern Baptist Church; I have to post the following disclaimer.

The thoughts, ideas, innuendos, and general “feel” of this column does not reflect the thoughts, ideas, innuendos, and general “feel” of the staff, management, or advertisers of Characters expressed do not represent any living or deceased person(s). Any similarity to an actual person(s) is coincidental and unintentional.

The following is a dream that I experienced. If you've already read "Part I", then jump to Part II.

“So Sarah, what would you do to make the world a better place?”

Contestant #24 “Sarah”:
“Often you’ll find me sitting on my back porch for hours on end. I can’t count the times I’ve woken from my trance only to find my dear mother has put a towel on my lap to catch the drool that ran out of my mouth while I slept…

And God bless my mommy too!”

The crowd chuckles…

“What other country has “Merry” right in the middle of it! And with the “Merry” from “Merry CHRISTMASS” you know we’re meant to be a CHRISTIAN country. All those other folks should just get the hell out!”

Crowd laughs a little uncomfortably…

“Sometimes I sit on that back porch and look up into the beautiful Alaskan sky and daydream about spotting a nuclear missile flying overhead from Russia. I want to be that “first responder” THAT SAVES THE USA!!!!”

“Well, if your dream comes true, doesn’t that mean we’re in a nuclear?

Contestant #24 “Sarah”:
“Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh…? I…? we…? I really don’t know what you mean. But someday I hope to be that hero!!!” She puts her hands up in the air and whispers, “Yeeeaaah-meeee!”

The audience doesn’t respond.

Back stage, knowing she blew another pageant, Sarah quietly drops her her head in her hands and starts to cry. Contestant #22 stops taking off make-up for a moment and puts her hand on her shoulder, “Don’t be so glum dear, there’s always next year.”

“Oh, what’s the use. I’ll never win. Not as long as they keep hiring those gay judges. A straight judge would just stare at my girls and ignore everything I say. You know, like the guys at bars.”

Contestant #13 adds, “Honey, those guys don’t wanna give you a prize, they want you to give them a prize.”

Contestant #24 (Sarah) replies, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I never give gifts to a guy I just met! I might “do-it” in a parking lot, but only if he has a car.

Other contestants try to hold back grins when another adds, “Maybe you can be a weather vixen, nobody really listens to the weather girl, they just watch the girls until you get to the forcast.”

Contestant #22 adds, “Maybe you could get a job in a video. I hear “Poison” is looking for a chick to squirm around on a car and one to slide down a pole.”

“Thanks guys.” Sara says in a defeated tone. “I’ll figure something out.” She lays her head down on the make-up table while the others prepare for the next round.

The End
of Part I

“A Star is Born”


“Mein Kampf the Next Generation”

Part II
“The Shortest Tale Ever Told”

A few moments after laying her head down, Sarah hears some high pitched giggling.

Rubbing her eyes, she lifts her head and sees she is surrounded by tiny people in brightly colored suites with ridiculous hairdos.

“Why aren’t you just the cutest little things. Are you part of the show?”

A purple haired guy with a giant “mayor” badge and a chipmunk voice, speaks up, “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

“Witch?! I beg your pardon I am a Christian Catholic and part-time employee of the Coalition Of Catholic Kings.

“And what do you do there?” askes the mayor.

“I am a maid!”

“Do you clean the floors with a suction device?”

Sara replies, “Yes, I love to vacuum!”

“So? You love to vacuum with the section device? Would that make you a Coalition Of Catholic Kings sucker?” He says with a sly grin.

“Oh, yes! YES!”

The audience of miniatures breaks out in a little laughter, but Sarah doesn’t get it…

“What? What!” She asks.

Just then a tiny man from the back comes forward, un-doing his belt… “I love Catholics!”

“Slow down Romeo!” Sarah adds, “You gotta give me a few drinks before any of ‘that’ is gonna happen! If you think…”

The mayor interrupts, “Ok, ok. We assume you’re a witch or you wouldn’t be here. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

Sarah replies, “I don’t know much about your customs, But I’m guessing a good witch is better than a bad witch, so I’m gonna go with good witch, and that’s my final answer!”

DID I WIN?!!” She adds.

“Oh, you won alright!” The same tiny man calls out as he tosses his pants in the air. “And your prize comes straight from the “lollipop guild!”

“Oooooooh! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!” Sarah shouts as she jumps up and down, bouncing about, and clapping her hands.

The mayor looks up, enjoying a few bounces before he interrupts, “Knock it off you two! We need to help the good witch or its bad Karma for all of us.” He takes a step forward and opens a door which reveals a wonderful land full of color and light. “Follow me.” He adds.

Sarah had never noticed that door before. She follows the man into the magical world, wondering what happened to the world she left behind.

Then she remembers about the world she left, not going so good. Maybe this world will work out better!

The tiny man in the smart suit addresses Sarah, “Don’t worry your pretty little head about pageants, contests and jobs. What you need is a fresh start and that’s why Karma brought you to us. Now think about what your good at…”

“Weeeeell?” Sara ads in an Elizabeth Montgomery sort of way. “I can sew ok?”

“What else?” the mayor asks.

“I like to take naps.”

“What else?”

“I like TV?”

“anything else?”

“I like paste.”

“Ok, forget it.” The mayor interrupts a little perturbed. “Why don’t you go into politics. It’s a no-brainer! It doesn’t matter what comes out of your mouth as long as people like you!

“Oh gee, that sounds swell, but how do I get started?”

“You need a campaign manager!”

“A wha…?”

“A manager!” And at that, he clapped his hands an all the tiny people lined up and lay down on their faces. One after another until they formed a path of tiny backs as far as the eye can see.

“Follow the tiny-back road.”


Another piped in, “Follow the tiny-back road.”

Sarah, “Follow the tiny back road?”

They all join in, “Follow the tiny-back road, follow the tiny-back road. Follow-follow, follow-follow, follow the tiny-backed road.” And they all sang in unison with a few ooooch’s and oooow’s as Sara stepped on the backs of the little people.

After a few moments of chorus singing, she chanced upon an elderly man lying on the side of the road.

“Hey old fella’, what’r you doin’ lying in the road?”

The old man croacked, “I’m a maverick! But I’ve fallen and I can’t get up…”

“You want some help there little fella?” She chirped in a high pitch voice.

He paused, “My elbow hurts…”

“So what’s your name, you broken down old man?” Sara asked.

He sits up, “My name is John, John Maverick McWayne. What’re their names?”

“I’m up here mister.” Sara says pointing to her eyes. “My name is Sarah and I’m on my way to get a campaign manager so I can have a purpose. Hey, maybe the campaign manager can help you too!”

John blinks and moves his eyes up toward her face, “I’m sorry did you say something.”

“The campaign manager can help you I’m sure of it!”

John, “Wha……?”

“Ooooh, I like this one, he hasn’t heard a word I said!” Sarah adds. “Why don’t you just stand up on your own two feet there, little fella!”

“I... I... I can’t move very well because I don’t have a backbone.”

“Why I’m sure the manager can help you get a backbone, or at least make you look like you have one!”

“Gee, you really think he would do that for me?” John asks.

“Why sure he would! Come on!” Sara says while she helps prop John into a wheel-barrel.

And off they went until the reached the big city. Sarah looked around timidly while pushing John thru what now appears to be long dark city-streets.

John whispers, “My country came up with some great plans to rid our city of those dark skinned terrors just south of the border, but now Judges from the big city says its against the constitution! Judges are evil…”

Sarah, “Oh-my!” She quietly replies, “If you become President, you’ll have to live in Washinton DC.” Quieter now, “The big city is filled with black people.”

John, “Judges and Negros…”

Sara, “. . .Oh my!”

John adds, “In politics you have to do what the big corporations tell you. All those big companies are controlled by Jewish people.”

Sara, “Judges and Negros and Jews . . .Oh my!”

They both chant, “Judes and Negros and Jews . . .Oh my!”

“Judes and Negros and Jews . . .Oh my!”


“Shut-up you two morons, we’re almost here!” The mayor interrupts. “Just up those steps leads us the the GOP campaign manager.

“Don’t we make new friends and have exciting adventures first?” Sarah inquires.

Mayor, “NO! Now get up there, I’m an hour late for supper.

They both come face to face with the campaign manager who decides neither of them are worth the bother and sends them on their way, lickity-split, just like that.

Again Sarah is disappointed.

Awaking from her slumber, she’s a little disoriented and doesn’t know where she is. This is because the paegent ended hours ago and everone has left.

She turns on the light, see’s her running mascara in the mirror and shuts the lights out. She’ll find her way in the dark.

“All I have to do now, is find this John McWayne guy.” She whispers to herself.

COMING NEXT: Ladies and Gentlemen…I’m the cook!

No comments: