Monday, June 21, 2010

A Star is Born!

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Sorry, this column is a day late and a dollar short...

At the request of the editor of’s worldwide headquarters located somewhere in southern California, just off Ventura Highway in the Basement of a popular Glass Southern Baptist Church; I have to post the following disclaimer.

The thoughts, ideas, innuendos, and general “feel” of this column does not reflect the thoughts, ideas, innuendos, and general “feel” of the staff, management, or advertisers of

Characters expressed do not represent any living or deceased person(s). Any similarity to an actual person(s) is coincidental and unintentional.

The following is a dream that I experienced after experiencing a 60’s LDS-acid-flashdance, any relationship to any real person or person(s) is coincidental.

“So Sarah, what would you do to make the world a better place?”

Contestant #24 “Sarah”:
“Often you’ll find me sitting on my back porch for hours on end. I can’t count the times I’ve woken from my trance only to find my dear mother has put a towel on my lap to catch the drool that ran out of my mouth while I slept…

And God bless my mommy too!”

The crowd chuckles…

“What other country has “Merry” right in the middle of it! And with the “Merry” from “Merry CHRISTMASS” you know we’re meant to be a CHRISTIAN country. All those other folks should just get the hell out!”

Crowd laughs a little uncomfortably…

“Sometimes I sit on that back porch and look up into the beautiful Alaskan sky and daydream about spotting a nuclear missile flying overhead from Russia. I want to be that “first responder” THAT SAVES THE USA!!!!”

“Well, if your dream comes true, doesn’t that mean we’re in a nuclear war?

Contestant #24 “Sarah”:
“Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh…? I…? we…? I really don’t know what you mean. But someday I hope to be that hero!!!” She puts her hands up in the air and whispers, “Yeeeaaah-meeee!”

The audience doesn’t respond.

Back stage, knowing she blew another pageant, Sarah quietly drops her her head in her hands and starts to cry. Contestant #22 stops taking off make-up for a moment and puts her hand on her shoulder, “Don’t be so glum dear, there’s always next year.”

“Oh, what’s the use. I’ll never win. Not as long as they keep hiring those gay judges. A straight judge would just stare at my girls and ignore everything I say. You know, like the guys at bars.”

Contestant #13 adds, “Honey, those guys don’t wanna give you a prize, they want you to give them a prize.”

Contestant #24 (Sarah) replies, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I never give gifts to a guy I just met! I might “do-it” in a parking lot, but only if he has a car.

Other contestants try to hold back grins when another adds, “Maybe you can be a weather vixen, nobody really listens to the weather girl, they just watch the girls until you get to the forcast.”

Contestant #22 suggests, “Maybe you could get a job in a video. I hear “Poison” is looking for a chick to squirm around on a car and one to slide down a pole.”

“Thanks guys.” Sara, I mean Contestant #24 says in a defeated tone. “I’ll figure something out.” She lays her head down on the make-up table while the others prepare for the next round.

The End
Part One
“A Star is Born”
“Mein Kampf”

COMING NEXT: "The littlest tale ever told" or "One for the money, Two for the show"

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