Sunday, September 27, 2009

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Once again a busy week at the Senitram residence. Last Sunday I mow my moms yard ‘cause she’s way to old to do it and I’m way too cheap to pay someone. Because of the size of her hard and the hills locals charge $75 a pop. In NE, that’s way too much.

Then on Sunday she wants me to remove the air conditioners (she doesn’t have central air). Seems like I just put them in. It takes 30 minutes to get to her house, and of course another 30 minutes to get back. I’m still waiting for her to call me to get a gallon of milk out of the fridge.

Then the ol’ lady’s gone two nights out of the week. On Friday we go to a wedding, Saturday morning I volunteered at the Food Bank, then the ol’ lady’s gone again for a gig (she’s a musician). Sunday I vacuum the house, shampoo the front room, get stuff for my and my mom’s house at Lowe’s which, for some reason I was treated like I showed up in a prison jump suite.

Walk down the paint isle (I have a touch-up job outside) and this old lady is practically running down the isle yelling, “Excuse me…sir. Sir? SIR! MAY I HELP YOU SOMEHOW?”

So I calmly turned around and said, “It’s ok, I’m not going to steal anything. I just have dark skin. Can I have some sample strips so I can match it with my exterior paint?”

She handed me two brochures with sample and then I was off to look for a faucet aerator.

Couldn’t find it.

While looking I was snickered at by a worker in the isle. I look down, “Is my zipper undone…do I got shit on my shoe?” I just don’t get it; I’m buying stuff for the house every week in this place. This summer I rebuilt my whole sprinkler system with stuff from this store. I also bought all new blinds this summer for all the windows in the house. These were custom and cost $60 to $100 each.

Actually, I’ve always been treated nice here?

So I call to the snicker-man. “Excuse me, I’m having trouble finding…”

He looks right at me, turns around and makes a right.

I do a little jog; turn right and he’s starts walking faster. It’s like he stole something and I’m the employee chasing him down. Finally, he gives up, stops and turns around…

“I’m having trouble finding…”

“Look, we’re not hiring!” He interrupts.

“Ok, then. Good to know. Could you show me where the plumbing stuff is? I want an aerator.”

“Isle 10.” Is the reply.

So I get the thing, get a garbage can for my mom and go to the checkout.

The lady looks me right in the eye with a stern look and states, “Look, I’m gonna have to check inside that garbage can.” Almost in an accusing way.

Now last week, the teller would have said, “I’m sorry, but I’m required to check inside if the lids on.”

This week?

So I make light of it, “Sure.” I take the lid off, “Have to make sure I’m not up to ‘no good’ eh?

She gives me that, “Your damn right!” glare.
I check my watch, is it 1965?

Ok, so now the receipt doesn’t print. She’s struggling with the machine a bit. I was about to say, I really don’t need a receipt, when she blurted out, “YOU PAID BY CREDIT CARD, DIDN’T YOU! WELL IF YOU NEED TO RETURN SOMETHING, JUST GIVE THEM YOUR CARD. IS THAT GOING TO WORK FOR YOU?”

I just smiled and said, “Sure, that’ll be fine.” It felt like, she just wanted me to go!

Maybe word got around that I’m a smart ass, and now they all hate me. Maybe they found out that their store is closing tomorrow.

Hard to say, but I did check my shoe when I got home.

Actually, I did step in some dog shit. Funny I didn’t notice.

That night, I undressed and found a small dirty, crusty orangish-brownish crusty smudge on the ass of my khaki shorts.

I found some american cheese on my car seat. I don’t’ know how it got there, but it had melted in the sun and I sat right on it.

All this time I thought I was being judged by the color of my skin. Turns out I was being judged by the crusty stench of my pants.

COMING NEXT: So which sink do I get sick in?

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