Johnny V. from El Cerrito, CA, asks .
"Hey Bob, how can I become as popular as You?
Why just the other day I was replacing the brakes on my car while "jammin'" to "This Town" by Frank Sinatra, when my wife walks by, rolls her eyes and says, "You and your old-folks music!"
I contemplated about her words for a good 17 seconds, then fell asleep.
When I woke, I realized that I'm no longer the 'hipster' that I was back in the 20’s. Basically, I’m lucky to be alive. But I can still tear up the dance floor with the "Frantic Kat!" One, two, three…kick, one, two, three…kick.
Thinkin’ back about phonograph long playing records, zoot suites, and Model T’s made me wonder what the hipsters are into these days.
My daughter helped me turn on the satellite TV station. She then put it on the VH1 show, and we watched short tv shows put to music. Then we watched tv shows about real people who have cameras all over their houses.
I don’t get why they call it VH-1, when its on channel 170. Shouldn’t it be called channel VH-170? And why is the local channel 7 on channel 23? It’s very confusing.
Next, I watched the MTV. There was a show about a bunch of idiots that live together, drink too much and get into trouble. Reminded me of the Monkeys with little Davey Jones…only without the music and the colorful outfits. A Music TV Station with no music...that was a surprise.
So later I’m watching, heck I can’t remember…MTH-170, and saw a show that had a new pop sensation called "The Vanilla Ice cream." It’s white-boy rap!
What ever that is.
Then I saw a show with Flava-Flaaaaaave. And another with some guy called M & M’s (He never did sing the song by Sammy Davis Jr.).
Anyways, I decided to copy the rock icons and transform myself into coolness. I tried it out..."Honey?" I shouted.
"Word to yo' mutha!" I shouted.
"Shuddup, you moron," she replied.
I thought I would transform myself into a super-cool-kat, that was a combination of the most popular icons of today…I became…Flavor-Ice!
I visit a shrink often to help me overcome my cronic habit of chewing on my toenails. On the last visit, I thought I would take advantage, and see what he thought of…FLAVOR ICE!
"My wife don't think I'm hip." I say.
"Understandable." He replies.
"I don't wanna loose her, she's real pretty. See..." I show him a picture.
"Does she do drugs?"
"Only second hand smoke." I explain.
"Any young woman that pretty would have to be on some heavy drugs to marry you."
"Is my marriage in trouble?"
"Only if she goes to rehab." He replies.
I decided that I need a new image! I explained.
“Aren't you a little old for a new image?”
"Why yes, yes I am." I agreed. "None the less, I have transformed myself into…Flava-Ice!”
“Is that why you have a volkswagon hub-cap hanging from you neck by a shoelace?” He mentioned.
“You got it daddy-oooo. Flava Ice is in da hooooouuuuuuuuse!’
“Nice. Now back to your tonails…”
And so on and so forth...
Right now as I write, "Flava-Ice”" is sitting at the computer, tellin’ it like it is! Keepin’ it real! That's right - word to yo' mutha'."
I got cool sunglasses on, which makes it hard to see, so the brightness on my monitor is up, full blast. I'm a regular "Cool Man Luke."
My wife just walked by, rolled her eyes and shook her head. She is overcome by my coolness!
"Word to yo' mutha'."
And now you know.
COMING NEXT! I did the math and two wrongs make a half right! Sideways...sort-of?