SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!

I found this handy tid-bit that I wrote about five years ago. It's from way back when, when folks actually sent me emails with questions. With the current economic situation in the U.S., I thought this would come in handy for some of our readers.

Kevin from New Finland writes:
Things have been a bit rough around here. I'm trying to save some money on just about everything. Got any tips?

Dear Kevin,
balloons with helium just fly away. Sure they look nice now, but soon they'll be lying on the floor. Usless. Either that or they get lost. Best to just pop it now and recycle the plastic. That's about how much fun it is to conserve, but sometimes its necessary. Here are tips for each day of the week:

Sunday:
Don't sit way up front at church, sit towards the back. When the collections start, keep changing isles to avoid the plate…savings 5 dollars.

Monday:
Make coffee at home and drink up before you leave. Take a handfull of instant coffee and fill up a pixy-stick, a good pick me up that don't cost nuthin'…savings another dollar or so per day!

Tuesday:
This is an Un-two-fer day.
Each time you normally have a cigarette, wait until the next time you normally have a cigarette. Do this in remembrance of me for the full day. If you normally have a smoke at 7am, then at 10am, hold off til your first break at 10am. Simple, and it saves you money. The ol' lady will appreciate it too, because it will take two "encounters" to earn that one cigarette…calculated benefit $2.50, and at least one day that's nag-free.

Wednesday:
Go thru the house and get any form of liquid soap you have, and dilute it half and half with water. Shampoo is an extra plus, since your hair will still be a wee-bit greasy, you won't need conditioner…saving even more! Savings $4.00!

Thursday:
Don't cut your toe nails. More wear and tear on that clipper and the next thing you know, you have to replace it. Let 'em grow 'til they curl like a kung fu master's fingernails…savings 0.00005 of a cent. Not much, but nobody will mess with you since they think you're a kung-fu master!

Friday:
Take your paycheck and hide it 'til Monday. I used to blow half my paycheck each weekend in a drunken stupor. Now I have to save the money from the previous week, which means I have to look at all my bills and my income while sober during the week. End result. I pay more bills, have less debt and I don't spend money I don't really have...savings $75.00.

Saturday:
Still hiding that check…savings, another $75.00.

And there you have it, you'll save $162.50005 each week. It's like getting a $650.0002 monthly raise!

The bad news is, this doesn't work for everyone. Conserving only works for Democrats.

If you're a Republican, just give 50% of your income to a rich person. He will in turn, "Invest in America," by putting the money in the stock market or better yet, a bank. The extra money in the private sector will be used to create jobs causing you to get promoted. Soon, you'll be one of the fat-cats that poor people give 75% of their money too.

I'm sure it will happen, so keep giving to the rich! Just to play it safe, take another 25% and give that to the church. Jesus will double your tidings!

Here are some more helpful tips on getting technology to work for you:



COMING NEXT: Something more original!