Sunday, August 09, 2009

Tallahassee Tea Time!

Ask Bob a question :

This weeks question comes from Susan from Boston,
Dear Bob,
Recently I got poison ivy, but my boyfriend did not. Why are some
people allergic and others are not?

Please answer this email, I
want to know.”

Your 34th biggest fan,

Dear Susan,

Back ten years ago when we started this web site, there were no bloggers; there wasn’t google, utube, or twitter. Just web browsers and email. With all these fancy devices at our disposal, I decided to use one to answer you question.

I entered “poison Ivy” to the twitter search and this came up, “First tweet: poison ivy sucks ass.”

Wow, that really explained a lot.

Really, twitter is a worthless concept, but for some reason people would rather read a one line nothing than read a well-structured interesting piece of fiction that you will find at

Go figure.

I am never one to argue with success, so I jumped on the bandwagon and created my own twitter ( Now you can see what the life of an Internet superstar is like on a minute-to-minute basis.

I noticed twitter doesn’t have any ads, so I thought how do they stay open? How do they make money? I concluded that like, they don’t’.

Then I got to thinking about ways to make a quick buck. With the economy the way it is, I decided to share my latest ideas with you, John Q., the public.

Well, actually I only have one idea…but I’ll keep you posted as I get more.

MMI-1 (Money Making Idea #1): Start a Llama selling business.

I started with a simple sales transaction, but it developed into a remarkable money making business structure that can be yours for just $19.99!


Or, you can read below for free.

I approached my neighbor and offered to sell him a top-notch-high-quality Llama. He mentioned that he didn’t know anything about taking care of no Llamas.

I explained they love casseroles and that’s all you need to know.

He said, “Wow! I didn’t know owning a Llama would be so easy!”

He was ready to buy right then and there.

Then he pointed out that I don’t own a Llama.
I said, “Yes I do.”
He asked, “So where do you keep it.”
“In the back yard.” I explained.
“I never saw one back there.” He mentioned whilst stroking his beard.
“Ok, you got me, I don’t own one.”

And that was that.

But I’m sure if he wasn’t my neighbor, I could have secured a down payment RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!!!
(Notice the extra exclamation points help project my confidence…A little trick I learned this from Billy Mays).

Then I got to thinking, I could generate interest in the Llama, sell it, then offer to care for it for a $100 monthly fee which includes caring and feeding…and what the heck how about a little exercise and training.

In summary, I’m selling something I never deliver, and then charge them a monthly fee for not delivering it. I wonder if this concept would work on the stock market some how?

Probably not, better stick with llamas.

Speaking of Llamas, I almost forgot about your poison ivy question.

Scientist, doctors and other false prophets will tell you some people are allergic the oil urushiol that coats the plant. But we all know these are the beliefs of Godless-heathens that try to make up all sorts of voodoo nonsense to explain Gods magnificent plan.

To get a straightforward answer I went to a local town meeting. I figured a good God-fearing Republican would set the story straight for me.

Against all odds, I did find a Republic at this Friday’s town meetin’. Even more oddly, he said that he knew for a fact that 3 out of 4 Democrats are not allergic to poison ivy.

I didn’t question the fact because he was very tall and spoke in a nice loud voice.

He also explained that poison oak, ivy and sumac have a coating of pure evil brought about by the devil himself to punish the good Christians of the Earth. You see, when evil meets evil, there is no reaction. But when evil meets good, a holy microscopic battle ensues for seven days and seven nights, amen. Verily, verily, the lord will always win. That’s why no one dies from poison ivy. And that’s why it usually just lasts a week.

In summary, you, Susan is a good Republican child of God with goodness and purity, so your body fights the evil. Your boyfriend is Democratic Satan Spawn and his body embraces the evil, thus, no reaction.

Now don’t do anything crazy. Just keep your distance from ivy, democrats, and that nasty soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend of yours.

You can Ask Bob anything, he has a degree in science!

COMING NEXT: My favorite Star Trek of all time or Tallahassee Tea Time!!!


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