Monday, January 05, 2009

Double Feature

Today's column is twice as long because I'm not going to post another until Febuary so that I can work on some of the technical aspects of our sister site,

Last night I had a dream that I worked in a restaurant and the owner put me in charge of cutting up vegetables for soup, which was good by me because I like soup.

It was called “People Soup” and was shipped off to shelters to help feed the people.

Then the owner says I’ve been promoted to meat cutter and slaps a mans hand on the counter and tells me to start cutting. I look at the hand, “I didn’t know the soup was people.”

“That’s why it’s called ‘People Soup’ you friggin’ moron…now start choppin’! By the way, you can take the guys wedding ring off and ‘hock it’. Consider that a bonus.”

So I grab the hand and chop each finger into nice little dices, same way I do carrots. Then I take the base of the hand and chop that up into nice small pieces. It made me a little squirmy, but as long as I didn’t have to eat it.

Then on the way home I notice I’m being followed. I try to lose the guy but fail. Finally, he meets me up at my place and says he’s from the FBI.

“So why you followin’ me?” I ask.

“People Soup” he says.

“Oh, Jeez…I got nuthin’ to do with that, I just chop veggies.”

“We think you may be the serial killer we’ve been hunting for the last two years.”

“You. You…think. I. My boss is serving dead people as an entrĂ©e’ and you think I’m a serial killer?” I say as I roll my eyes.

“You’re a friggin’ moron.” I mutter as I slam the door in the idiot’s face.

The end.

ANYWAY, having said that, if you haven’t already done so, read the official “Best in Movies: 2009”.

Let’s take a look at the News! I would like to award the “Flying Fickle Finger of Fate” to Roland Burris! The former Illinois attorney general!!!

He gets the opportunity of a lifetime, but unfortunately it was offered from Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, which means it has as much value as a share of Ford stock and is as authentic as a 3 ½ dollar bill. If he turns it down, he may never get an offer like that again. If he takes it, the appointment will be ruled null. Tough choice. He should have turned it down gracefully, because that would show he’s a man of principle. Right now, to me, he looks like a man trying to scramble to the highest seat he can find. Plus, when Blagojevich is thrown in the slammer, he’ll be on record as the guy who supported the guy who was thrown in jail. Not so good.


Perhaps the Palestinians should follow the example of the American Indians. When settlers came to America they were welcomed guests and embraced with open arms and…

Ok, bad example.

To tell the truth, I really find it hard to believe that fifty years ago the League of Nations had the authority to set up an Israeli state in land that did not belong to them, based on the fact that ten thousand years prior, a sheep-herder took a shit on that land. Now you say that land belongs to the sheepherder’s ancestors.

Using that logic, American Indians should be able to claim rightful ownership of China, because thousands of years ago they migrated across Bering straight from China, and now they have the right to go back home and occupy that land claiming all property and land. Yeah, good luck with that.

Having said that, the improper act of occupying land that you don’t legally own was something that happened over sixty years ago. Where does that leave us now?

Legitimacy accompanies possession and time. Israel is not going anywhere and the sooner Palestinians know that the better. If the Israelis had been run out of town prior to 1960, that would have been a legitimate military act. Not so much, now.

The damage is done. All the killing and hate in the world isn’t going to change the past. If Palestinians were clever, they would draw up lines, maintain a cease-fire and start suing for dollars and war crimes in the international court, I’m sure you would get something for the effort.

So there’s your solution to the Mid-East in a nutshell. Israel needs to stop acting like they have a God-given right to that land. It’s wasn’t “God-given” at all, it was “U.N. Given”. Meanwhile, Palestinians need to swear off the hash-pipe for a few years and realize their “new” neighbors have been living next-door rent-free for at least two generations. Stop spending money on bombs and get a lawyer…someone needs to pay some rent.

As far as current events, Israel had a chance to really get some sweet support from Palestinians while still being able to stop aggression from Hamas. Of course they blew it.

All they had to do is make a formal and public request to the Palestinian government and people that they have four weeks to get Hamas under control. At least, give them the opportunity to stop operations in civilian areas. If Palestine could not control their borders then Israel will have no other choice than to come in and stop them.

I’m pretty sure this would end with a win-win situation for Israel. I think Hamas wouldn’t stop rocket attacks, nor would they spare civilian populations by moving; thus, any loss of life would be on their hands. Hamas would lose support from the population and government.

Meanwhile, once rocket attacks into Israel stops, Israel would have to launch a massive humanitarian aid with a budget for reconstruction, they owe Palestinians that much. Maybe average folks would be more tolerant toward Israelis if they offered a helping hand.

I guess if you wanted to put it in an even smaller nutshell, you could say both sides are wrong. No one ever wins, because when one claims the other is wrong, they are right. But they never get past that point. Hard to believe that folks that run whole governments can’t see that.

COMING NEXT…New and improved!

No comments: