For those new to this column, I’m Bob Senitram. I am the technical director of
“TheWeirdcrap.com” and “My Strange Stories.com.” TheWeirdcrap.com has been around for 14
years, and has had a faithful following of about 25 people. At our current fan-base rate, we should be
getting a million visitors in about, oh, I don’t know…around the year 2525.
We’ll I’ve been writing this column for many years, and well. The well has run dry. I got no more entertaining stories!
Here’s what happened.
I moved out of my parent’s home when I was about 20 and
immediately started doing stupid sh*t that became funny stories at parties. It
wasn’t intentional, I’m just kinda foolish when I drink, and when I was young I
drank a lot…thus, the plethora of strange mishaps. Anyways, I kept on doing stupid stuff until I
was about 35. Then I started TheWeirdcrap.com
and started writing about all the stupid crap I did when I was younger. Now 15 years later, I basically ran out of material.
The only way to get good material is to become an alcoholic
again and let nature take its course.
But I have a job that makes me do math and logic and formats and what
not, AND I got kids to take care of…so that’s a no-go.
I could stop the column all together, but shutting down
TheWeirdcrap.com just because I don’t have quality material is
counter-intuitive, basically because we’ve NEVER had quality material.
Soooooo, instead of trying to produce WAY past my prime,
like Mick Jagger, I shall take the path of Barry Manilow and re-do
everything I did when I was young.
So that’s that.
Here’s one of my favorites from when my brain was fertile
and full of alcohol:
***
Marty from Morgantown
West Virginia writes:
bob..i need your help, my butt itches. now normaly if my
butt itches i just scratch it and wipe my fingers on the dog..and thats that,
but lately my butt itches all the time, even after i scratch it, and scratch
it, and scratch it, ive tried softer toilet paper, ive tried preperation h, i
even tried washing my butt more often, but nothing helps cmon bob your my last
hope.
Marty:
Dear Marty, you are suffering from what is known in the
health care industry as CBIS (Chronic Butt Itch Syndrom). Most health care professionals would suggest
that you are suffering from a hygiene issue and well, basically, you need to
clean up your act. However, they know as
well as I, THIS WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM!
To truly solve your problem, first we must understand the cause
of the problem. As unlikely as it may
seem, your problem started tens of thousands of years ago, so please be patient
as I explain the origins of the chronic butt itch syndrome.
In my critically acclaimed book, “Feces of the Gods” (A
follow up to my other critically acclaimed book, “Water Towers of the Gods”), I
provide microscopic evidence that dinosaur feces contain a consistent level of
small pebbles in their feces samples. I
have come to the non-disputable conclusion that many post-Jurassic dinosaurs
ate small pebbles deliberately.
Upon close examination, it was found that these pebbles had
remnants of tiny-tiny microorganisms much smaller than any micro-organisms that
exist today. I propose that these
organisms are still responsible for the cronic butt-itch, today. The reason that the tiny organisms I call
“Crobutich” make the butt itch is simple to explain - they are not from this
planet.
You see, although, they can exist in Earth organisms, they
very much desire the alien feces that were present during their evolution;
however, once an earth-organism is infected, the “Crobutich” continuously
wiggle and squiggle their way in the intestines looking for that sacred
green-martian-poo. It is never found, so
they wiggle around endlessly until they die.
By now you may be wondering how these alien microorganisms
came to the planet Earth.
***
Millions of years ago, an asteroid fell to earth. Well it didn’t kill the dinosaurs or wipe out
the planet, but it did have a hollow inside that was jam packed with alien
spider eggs. The inside was protected
from the heat of atmospheric entry. And once it hit ground, millions and millions
of alien space-spiders came crawling out, and they had little “people-heads”
that tilted right and left saying, “Me-me, me-me, me-me, me-me.”
The horrible crobutitch’s lived in the bowels of these alien
space-spiders. When the spiders died, they went into the ground and ended up on
plants. I suspect these spiders gave
rise to modern day spiders, much less intelligent than their alien
ancestors.
But that’s a different story.
Turns out the Crobutitch, thrive on earth plant life, and
have been living, undetected, on Earth plants to this very day. So when we eat the plants we also get
infected. Once infected, the tiny space-organisms
realize that they are in an organism’s bowel, and they start wiggling and
squiggling looking for that sacred green-martian-poo.
Which leaves us to wonder about the asteroid that fell to
Earth?
Under normal circumstances, that particular asteroid would
have never bumped into our planet; however, thanks to that bumbling fool,
Stephen Johnson, it did. And now we all
get the chronic butt itch.
Thanks Stephen!
Here’s what happened.
As many of you may know, I’ve been dabbling in the art of
time travel. We’ll it just so happened,
that yesterday…last week…twenty years ago, I was just about finished on my first
proto-type. It’s not as complicated as you may think, but there’s a
lot of parts and takes a novice like myself a good 20 years to complete.
By the way, I just googled it and got instructions.
So I started on my prototype yesterday and finished in 2034.
Then I traveled back to 1994 and gave
myself the plans and went to work. Then,
twenty years later (2014 - yesterday) I was finished!
Anyways in 1997 Stephen Johnson snuck into my time portal to
see if he could get it to work so he could go back in time and smoke the
cigarette that he just smoked. Because
the time portal’s controls were not complete, he went back in time all right,
but with no controls and he ended up millions of years in the past.
He stepped out just in time to see two aliens walk out of a spacecraft,
skip down a path, holding hands and sat by a nearby cliff. Their helmets leaned next to each other while
they enjoyed the brilliant sun set and our giant moon.
Ahhhh, Amore!
That’s when stupid bastard (Stephen Johnson) entered the
space craft to get a light for his cigarette.
Being the numb-skull that he is, he headed right toward the control
panel and started switching and pulling levers hoping to find a car-like
cigarette lighter.
The ship shot into space in an instant, while the Alien
lovers pointed at it in the night sky, not knowing it was their ship. It ran straight into an asteroid which got
knocked into a path toward the Earth. After that, the spiders crawled out and
the rest is butt-scratching history.
Stephen must have hit auto-pilot by accident and the ship
returned to Earth and the Aliens never knew it was gone. Then Stephen went back to the time portal and
ended up in 1927 Earth, where I found him floating in a banana boat. The portal was ruined and lost and I had to
start all over again, so I’m not finished anymore. I had to start all over again in 1997, so it
should be done in 2017.
So thanks to Stephen, my time machine is still not finished and the world suffers from cronic butt itch!
Now for the solution to your problem:
There are two ways to cure this. First you can put small
objects in your rectal area. Marbles or thumb tacks seem to work pretty well.
The foreign objects get in the way of the squiggling and wiggling and soon the
micro-disco dance party is over. Sort of like when the neighbor calls the cops
on your ass because your web site partner is puking on your neighbor's car.
The other method is to take large volumes of laxatives. This
causes you to literally, "...rain on their parade." Once again, the
microorganisms leave.
Recently I tried the laxative method. I ended up going to
the bathroom so much that by butt went from itching to severe burning.
SEVERE BURNING!!!
I decided to borrow some lotion from a fellow employee. Boy,
did she give me a funny look when I took it and ran to the bathroom! But I
didn't care, I was in pain.
And now you know.
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