Sunday, October 05, 2014

Sam from Philly writes:

Dear Bob,
How about that Ozone?

Dear Sam:

I looked thru every football handbook I could find and couldn’t find a thing about the Ozone.  I thought it might be in some ancient playbook.  Then I realized you must be thinking of soccer.  I don’t know nuthin’ about birthin’ no babies or soccer, so that’s that.

Which reminds me of the FSU game this week.  I bought some extra large size pretzels to munch on while I watched.  But they had these giant salt crystals on ‘em and as a result my thirst was great, which forced me to consume large quantities of beer.

I was supposed to go to work the next day, but I woke up way too dizzy to do any good, so I called in sick, turned on the DVR and started watching my collection of recorded Dr. Oz, Ellen, and Cop shows. 

Ellen had a guest that was a fitness queen.

Dr. Oz started talking about an all natural way to get rid of chapped lips.  He said you could rub your finger on the little sweat spot that forms between your eyes and your nose and rub that on your lips and it’s a supper cure for the chapping of the lips.

All I learned from Cops is …RUN!

So I decided that’s exactly what I would do!  I put on my sweat pants and jogged a mile or so I could be healthy just like Ellen.  When I finished I did a victory dance which was a cross between the Ellen dance and “The Carlton”.  But because of the cold, my poor sensitive lips started to get all chapped up.  I’m quite confident that if anything happened to my beautiful lips the old lady would leave me for a younger man with supple, soft, unchapped lips.

I started to have a little bit of a panic attack and frantically searched my face for sweat that I could use to revitalize my beautiful lips.  But because of the cold, no sweat formed!  I could feel my beautiful lips hardening and started to feel a bit dizzy.  Frantically I started feeling my body all over looking for that precious skin juice that would save my beautiful lips!

And there it was.

Deep in the crevices of by butt cheeks hid the precious juice my body created that would save my marriage.  Frantically, I scooped up the juice and rubbed it all over my lips and started my cool-down jog back home.  Thanks Dr. Oz, I thought to myself and headed back home with full, soft lips.
I guess it was the habit of licking my lips that got me the chapped lips in the first place, and that habit was no friend when I licked again only to get a mouth full of ass.  It didn’t taste too good, but it was worth it if it helps save my marriage.

I got home and went right to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth to get that ass smell out of my mouth.  That’s when I noticed my lips were not only smelly, but extra thick and soft…and smeared with a dry layer of brown.   I guess with all that beer the night before, I must have “sharted” a few times.

I felt a little gross, but all in all it was worth it and I’d do it again if I had too.

And now you know!

Song in my head…Lazzaretto!

COMING NEXT: The bitch is back!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Who-da, wha-da, who-da--who?