This weekend I watched the movie “Robot and Frank” and realized that that is going to be me in the future.
I’ll be seventy, my wife will be in her 50’s and I probably won’t remember who she is. And my kids will be in their 30s and they’ll be burdened by trying to keep me out of trouble. The future featured paper thin “I phones” and robots…that’s about it.
I was hoping to see folks flying around in rocket packs. I had a dream when I was younger that in the future, the world was controlled by a giant super-genius Crab who would chop off people’s heads with his giant pinchers if anyone crossed him.
Oh yeah, everybody had rocket packs and the sky was filled with people flying around. That year, based on my dream, I predicted that we would all have rocket packs by the year 2000.
It never happened.
13 years ago I was convinced that all the computers would crash and apes would take over the world. That also never happened.
I guess it’s safe to admit that I’ve been making incorrect predictions about the future for the last 50 years, so why should this year be any different?
This year’s predictions for 2014!!!
65 years ago, radiation from Hiroshima and Nagaski explosions altered the DNA of underwater crabs; however, it only increased their intelligence. They have been underwater getting smarter with each generation! Now the Fukushima incident poured more radiation into Japan’s waters and as everyone knows [radiation + wildlife = GIANT WILDLIFE!!!] Thus, the super-smart crabs are now six feet tall, and 15 feet wide.
As everyone knows crabs are just giant heads with legs sticking out of them, which means the giant crabs have giant super smart brains. In 2014 the super smart giant crabs will take control of the world’s oceans by creating underwater channels that “feeds” one part of the ocean with the appropriate underwater life that needs to be there. Once completed, they create a perfect balance of nature.
By controlling the oceans currents they also learn they can control the weather aboveground. They provide the governments of the world a detailed summary of how they can cure world famine by controlling the weather. All the countries of the world unite, except the US.
We get held back because Congress doubts the existence of the giant crabs and the Tea Party spends six months of the year debating whether there really is an ocean.
Other than that, it’s pretty much business as usual in 2014.
As a special treat, I decided to share some previous predictions!
1958 - Bing Crosby shall give up alcohol. He becomes concerned about Dean Martin's failing health and swears off the stuff!
In an attempt to create a legal high, he invents his special pipe rock. Later, Bing and his pipe become inseparable as it will become his trademark.
1961 - Presidential looser Richard Nixon, in a fit of jealousy, will conspire with Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson, the Mafia, and an unknown upstart George Bush, to assassinate President Kennedy.
They fail and end up in prison.
1964 - Frank Sinatra introduces his Mafia buddies to Bing Crosby's "rock” as a potential money-maker. They say it's, "...a crack-pot idea."
The name sticks!
1968 - A sudden wave of Conservatism will sweep over America's youth as they burn Beatle Records, announce Rock Music’s dead, and replace peace signs with swastikas. There will be a huge movement to increase escalation in Vietnam, since aggression is yesterday’s Volkswagon. Time Magazine will print the headline, "War is In!"
1972 - 2 Reporters from the Washington Post will provide documented proof that no one had ever gone to the moon and that space travel is scientifically impossible.
NASA admits their guilt and starts a movie production company that generates billions of dollars because of cool special effects. Since Nasa is a government agency all the money from the movies creates an economic surplus and the US economy thrives with unstoppable momentum!
1977 - A young law student will try to impress a young freshmen chick, by pretending to smoke pot with the "in crowd." He doesn't inhale, becomes unpopular and we will never hear from him again.
1978 - Apes will take over the world!
Charleton Heston decides to run for President. His platform is based on the fact that he's the only one who knows how to deal with them "Damn Dirty Apes!" No one knows what he's talking about.
Ronald Reagan will also decide to run for President and ends up winning because he gets a large “Ape” vote because his “Bedtime for Bonzo” movie becomes crazy-popular among talking Apes.
In reference to this columns title, here's that awsome song!
And now you now.
Coming up: I hope it doesn’t take another 3 months to write a column!