The big moment!

Follow Bob on twitter or
ask bob a question!


Barack from Washington asks:
You make bizarre observations about politics and our world, where did you come from?

Dear Sir:
The Earth is so quiet from way up high so beautiful and blue, but when you touch down things are very different.

Looking down from a dirty apartment to the torn concrete of a broken sidewalk, I see a baby crying in its mother’s arms. A siren is heard in the distance and from a window comes the sound of singing.

My mission here was to watch the world go by.

But things had changed and now and I have a job, lovely wife and family.

My immediate observations are different and are no longer useful; however, for some reason I feel the urge to continue reporting, so I do so on the internet.

Let me explain, at first I took a job, made friends and became a familiar with spirits. I seemed to loose my way, but enjoyed the drink with friends. Then one day my future wife came to talk, one on one. We sat in my familiar apartment and enjoyed our weekly consumption of pickles and beer.

Future ol’ lady: You know, me, you, and John have been hanging around for years now.

Me: Uh-huh.

Future ol’ lady: Well, its getting to that time that I should be thinking about the future and who better to spend the rest of my time than with my best friend.

Me: Uh-Huh.

Future ol’ lady: Once settled down, that man would have a life-time of endless pleasure…if you get my drift. (A sly smile appears.)

Me: So you plan on getting married, but you will provide me and John with un-limited pleasure?

Future ol’ lady: (Smile turns sour.) No not you and John!

Me: Just John?

Future ol’ lady: I’m talking about you and me.

Me: What about John?

Future ol’ lady: Forget about John. John can rot in hell for all I care. You and me…get it?

Me: So you want to provide me with unlimited pleasure…O.K.?

Future ol’ lady: No!

Me: You want to provide John with unlimited pleasure?

Future ol’ lady: No, you idiot! And it was endless pleasure! And I’m choosing you, although I’m having second thoughts about the intelligence of our kids!

Me: WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!!! (Big stupid smile on my face.)

Future ol’ lady: No! We’ve never made love, my god you ARE a moron!

Me: So do we get started now?

Future ol’ lady: No, no, no! It’s marriage first, then endless pleasure.

Me: Oh, oh..I have an idea! How ‘bout unlimited pleasure, then marriage.

Future ol’ lady: No, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! First marriage, then pleasure!

Me: Oh, I see. Pleasure, then marriage. I like that.

Future ol’ lady: Marriage, then pleasure.

Me: How’s this for an idea, pleasure, then marriage!

Future ol’ lady: I give up.


Three months later, I wake up one morning and the ol’ lady is in the bathroom crying.

I didn’t think much of it since I have met a number of ladies at bars and when they wake up to find out what they woke up next to. . . well, in the bathroom they go, usually in tears. After a while, I just got to think that, that is what women do in the morning.

But this was different, so I knock on the door, “You ok, honey?”

The door swings open and she screams, “We’re goin’ to the jewelry store to look for rings…NO WALMART!”

“Huh?”

She throws on of them baby detector sticks at me and it hits me on the forehead.

“You’re gonna be a father asshole…and we’re getting’ married!”

“O.K.?”

A little trickle of urine runs down my forehead and hits me in the eye and I rub it in more. A small tear forms in my eye.

“Oh, baby, your crying.” She sits down next to me and rubs my shoulder.

“It’s just that, it’s just that…” I start to say as the tear runs down my face.

“You don’t have to say a thing, your tears show me how happy you are! This is soo romantic! HOT DOG I GOT ME A KEEPER!”

I was going to say, “It’s just that your pee got in my eye, but I thought it best if I just didn’t say anything at this point. A philosophy I carried well into our marriage.

Since, we’ve had our ups and downs, but no one can make a meatloaf out of a can of spam and a cup of oatmeal like the ol’ lady.

Yup, I got me a keeper!


COMING NEXT: Somebody say jump?