My week with the Kids!

The ol’ lady was out of town for a week so I took care of Baby Gurl I and Baby Gurl II all by my lonesome. This is harder than it sounds ‘cause the kids are now seven and three years old and kids that age often participate in risky play.

If they were seven and nine years old, you pretty much feed ‘em, take ‘em to school and make sure they don’t drink rat poison. Toddlers take a little more work.

I was watching the news when I heard, “throop – giggle-giggle. throop – giggle-giggle. throop – giggle-giggle.” Knowing this couldn’t be good I went down to the basement where the sound came from.

Sure enough, Baby Gurl I had our three year old standing in front of my dart-board and she was carefully tossing darts inches from her sister’s face. Baby Gurl I has aspirations of being a knife thrower and wanted to practice. I have to admit, this was safer than throwing knives, but I had to put an end to it.

I took ‘em both out for a walk around the block. Spring break weather is usually nice comfy in Nebraska, but this year is was nice and cold so we walked quickly. That’s when we saw none other than Jerome, the long lost reporter for TheWeirdcrap.com.

He was running from Stephen’s house screaming with shards of flesh falling from his face. I shielded my poor daughters faces. Not because of Jerome’s pealing face-flesh, but because I was afraid they may catch a glimpse of that illiterate Stephen, which is a disgusting sight.

“Why can’t Stephen read?” I heard my daughter asked ask I used a pen to pick up a small portion of Jerome’s face.

“The real question is not why, but how has he hidden his illiteracy from the public for so long.” I replied as I put the flesh in an empty baggie that I always have in my vest pocket for such an occasion.

I quickly lead the children home in fear that they may see that no-reading slob wander out of his house in a drunken-stupor…most likely naked.

I put the youngest to bed when we got home and as promised, I proceeded to help our oldest paint her nails.

I wasn’t sure which would work best enamel or latex, so I dunked her right hand finger-tips in the latex house paint and the left in the enamel. Both gave her finger-tips and nails a nice even coat, but the next day the latex pealed off…so I really recommend the enamel.

Once the kids were in bed, I wanted to make sure Jerome didn’t have the Ebola virus, so I took the sample of his flesh to the back porch and flung it in the neighbors dog dish. I figured if he had the Ebola the next day then I knew Jerome would need hospitalization right away.

As it turned out, the dog just got a bad case of the runs. Later, I read that it was just Stephen’s pet ant that ripped up Jerome’s face.

And now we both know.

COMING NEXT: PC ALLEY