Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Pick up lines and ass-tobacco

A few months ago, Garion announced that he was to wed.

My usual thanksgiving tradition is to eat a big meal and then contemplate all the things about me that other people are thankful for. I realized, had I not showed Bel how to approach women, he may still be single today.

Long ago, he was too shy to approach women, but lucky for him, I felt pity and shared some of my advice on winning over the ladies.

“But Bob, I get nervous around women . I always say and do something incredibly stupid.” Bel confessed a few years ago.

“Don’t worry, most women think they’ll never meet Mr. Right. No matter how attractive they may be, remember, you may remind them of that uncle who made them laugh all the time. There’s no logic to it, just approach ‘em, make ‘er laugh, and tell her about your fancy, impressive job.”

“But what if I remind them of the uncle who molested them?”

“Don’t worry about it, just move on. The next woman you approach may think you look like the fireman who saved her life, but never got to thank. Let her ‘thank’ you! Be sure to show ‘em this...” I said as I reached into my pants.

“Hey, hey.” Bel objected.

“Be cool.” I said, “Ask if they’d like to joint you outside.” I said with a wink as I showed Bel the “pick-up joint” that I keep in my ass.

“Is that…”

“Naw, it’s just tobacco. I figure if the lady’s drunk, she won’t know the difference, but will drop all her inhibitions as if it were real.” I explained.

“So why do you keep it up your ass crack.”

“Get out of my bizz-ness.”

“You’re one twisted mutha’ sucka’.” Bel confided. “Girls wanna be impressed, how do I do that? I got no skills!”

“Lie. Tell ‘er you have some kind of fancy job, something impressive. They love it! Then smoke a dubie wit ‘em.” I explained.

That night we went to a bar and I put Garion out to graze. He approached his first hook-up with drink in hand and a cigarette in ass. Soon she was laughing. “Perrrrrfect.” I said as I rubbed my hands together.

Then Bel turned and walked away…red faced.

“Wha-happened?” I asked when he returned.

“I told about my job astronaut-ing, and she laughed at me and I got embarrassed and left.”

“Did you ask her to get high?’

“You’re an idiot.” He commented.

“The job’s too impressive.”

“Airline pilot?” Bel suggested.

“Perfect!”

Soon Bel and a little lovely were laughing together. She rubbed his arm as they talked and soon they left. Bel turned as he left and gave me the thumbs up.

The next day I asked what his opening line was and he said he just said, “Hi, my name’s Bel and I got a joint in my ass!” They both broke out laughing and the rest is history. He told her he was an airline pilot who just moved into town.

His relationship was short lived when he ran into her in the break room of the telemarketing company we work for.

He kept applying my technique. Twenty two years later, BAM! He’s married, lickety-split-just-like-that!


Wanna know something you don't know? ASK BOB

COMING NEXT: The answer is in your pocket.

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