Fun with testicles

Rebecca writes:

Dear Bob,
I was wondering if you could help me out, my husband came home from work yesterday and said he only had one testicle hanging the other one had disappeared, then the next day it drop back down to normal. My question is, is this normal ?


Dear Rebecca,

I glad you asked that, because recently I have suffered chronic health problems and sought medical advice (I got colds and flu’s: one right after the other for several months). But I didn’t go to a doctor (because that costs money). I sought out information on the Internet in an attempt to diagnose myself.

I typed “I feel like shit” in mamma.com ‘cause I don’t like google anymore and found a link to a blog with nothing on it, and a link to an album called “I feel like shit” by a group called “Max the Dork.” I couldn’t resist the temptation to listen to a few demo tracks and I must admit I didn’t like it. I liked the concept of a punk version of Eleanor Rigby but I just didn’t like the song.

Then again, I don’t really like Green Day either and they do quite well for themselves.

Anyways, after a few months of trying home remedies like radish & mustard suppers, drinking lots of whiskey and peeing outside, I never got better, so I went to the Doctor.

He asked if I chewed my fingernails.

I said, “No, but I do chew the extra skin that grows around my fingernails, because it bugs the heck out of me. Every time I go to the bathroom, toilet paper gets caught on the extra fingernail skin and it tears the paper. So I chew off that extra skin right then and there. Now I try to save money by using a minimum amount of paper with each wipe. Now if that snag went and tore the paper, I might get a bit of poop on my hands which means I’ll end up with a small amount of fecal material in my mouth when I bite off the offending skin. But I spit it right out. So I don’t think that would get me sick.”

He did some kind of blood testing thing and found I had a bacterial infection in me tummy. I thought it was acid reflux, but turned out it was germs. He gave me an antibiotic and told me to stop sucking on my fingers on the toilet.

Which reminds me of international politics. When Bush invaded Iraq, it was on a “gut-feeling.” He didn’t really have a logical reason. When Iran decided to go nuclear, his “gut” told him to sit it out. Now, Israel attacked Lebanon, his “gut” told him to give them the thumbs up, which ended up in a real mess.

This got me to thinkin’, maybe he just has the acid reflux and that’s why he done so bad…since…since…well, maybe he’s always had the acid.

Concerning that scrotum…

Sometimes little infant testicles will get sucked right up into the body. Scientists say this is natural because of this and that. But all good Christian’s know God controls all.

Now if God has a second thought about whether someone is a guy or a gal, then the testicles shoot right up into the body. If he decides, yes, this will be a gal, then, them testes turn right into ovaries and the penis disappears and verily, verily a vagina appears.

Blessed is he who comes in the name of the vagina.

Now what happened with your man, Rebecca, is God thought, “Well, this guy is kinda-ov-a good listener. Maybe he should be a female?” Then he gets distracted for a second. Then when he gets back to thinkin’ about your man, that one split-second is about 25 years – our time, and he thinks, “Well too late now, better keep him a man, since he’s married and all.”

During that brief second of divine distraction, your man’s testicle got sucked up just like a wee baby’s.

Either that or he has an eeny-weenie-teenie-tiny testicle and he hickup’d and up it went.

And now you know…

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