Beautiful, Beautiful, Angel Poo

Ok this is goin' up a day late, but I just got a new PC from work and I had to rearrange the entire household computer network. It only cost $100 and it was only a couple of years old. It's a good thing our IT guy doesn't know how to maintain PC's, otherwise I'd never get such a great deal.

I cleaned up the hard drive, got rid of the slack space, and de-fragmented; it's like a brand new computer! Then I added some SDRAM drive and it has three times the SDRAM and speed as my previous best computer. And since I got such a great deal, I got Windows "Vista" for the basement computer, I getta' play around with that for a while. This is all very exciting for me.

What's not so exciting is my horrible stomach pains. I've been going to the Dr. for the last six months and he can't figure it out. About an hour after I eat, no matter how small the meal is, my stomach growls.

Loudly.

One time in a meeting, it growled and churned viciously and I said, "excuse me."

Someone across the table said, "That was you! I thought it was an airplane passing by."

Then another time I'm walking across the parking lot and, "Grammmmbbbleeeee - streeeeeecccchhhhhhhh - couuuuuuuuuuuchunka!"

"BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!"

A fucking car alarm goes off!

So all fed up about the mystery, the Doctor had me go get some kind of special image of the inside of my stomach. They give me a chalky-milky-thick liquid to drink. It's barium.

Then they strap me to this table all Frankenstein like and the table turns in different angles to mix the barium in me tummy and they take some type of imaging that is enhanced by the milky-chalk.

Seems like it would be a lot cheaper to have a hypnotist, hypnotize me. First they would tell you the barium is a chocolate shake, then they could just tell you to jump up and down and roll over like a dog. That would be a hell of a lot cheaper than strapping you to a half million dollar bed that rolls around so you don't have too.

For me, it would be even cheaper - I have no pride. If they told me to roll around the floor to mix the barium in me tummy, I would have - hell, why not.

Well the test was fine and yadda-yadda-yadda, they found nothing. My stomach ailment was eventually cured, but that was by accident and my doctor doesn't even take credit.

But the most wonderful thing about the whole ordeal happened that night. It was time for my daily bowel movement. So everything was set up the way it always is.

I put relaxing Yanni in the CD player, lighted several strawberry scented candles and turned off the lights. I made sure there was plenty of triple-ply tissue and proceeded to sit and meditate. I want to have a relaxing, beautiful, experience when I release feces.

I don't want to blow a gasket!

As everything eventually came together, I heard a familiar plop. But something was different. The smell of a dozen decomposing dead crack whores wasn't emanating from the toilette! I thought, perhaps I was in such a deep meditative trance that I imagined the plop. I stood and looked and there it was!

A lovely, white, odorless turd. For a moment, I was speechless.

I looked up to the heavens thru my sky-light, "This must be what and Angel shit is like. Thank you God. Thank you for this heavenly gift."

I examined it one more time, "My God..."

"...it's full of stars."

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: GOOSE-STEPPING TO THE REPUBLICAN WAR MACHINE!

If the soup don’t stink…

As I was explainin’, the world has been waiting for the first lander on a nearby planet. A first, for the space administration’s new mission of reaching for the stars.

Unfortunately, a sterile apparatus was supposed to be sent to the “next over planet”, but things didn’t go according to plan.

Soon the Lander had a perfect touchdown on the new planet. The world waited as the first screen shots were available on television and print. However, we only got a few of those screen shots. It turns out that the closest planet was still in the primordial stages of planetary development and the landing site was not so stable.

Soon the Lander was sinking into the primordial ooze of the planet. Based on the shots that returned, it seemed obvious that the Lander was sinking. Soon the exciting new pictures stopped coming, but that’s ok, ‘cause there was no shortage of projects at the space administration.

As it turned out, that new flu virus, whose DNA survived thousands of years in a vacuum and then infected the planet, didn’t do too much harm in its natural state; however, this particular bugger had a hankerin’ for mutating, and mutating it did.

Soon, it had mutated into a form that no known person could withstand, and within a few decades all life on Mars ended. That was it, it was all over.

Which seemed a shame, but a few thousand years later the planet was hit by a few meteors from that solar system that was observed long ago. It wasn’t totally destroyed, but the atmosphere got blasted away and it became so hot and dry, nothing really could have lived anyway.

I guess the plan for Martian’s to preserve their species failed.

Or did it?

Well actually it did.

But something unusual happened with that Lander that landed on Earth from Mars, which had snot and virus germs, which had come to Mars from a meteor, formed when another planet was destroyed.

Yup you guessed it, the virus from a common cold got dumped into the Earth’s primordial ooze and was the building block for every living thing on Earth.

So back to your question several months ago which asked, which is correct creationism or evolution.

My answer is neither.

You see, our planet was seeded with DNA and evolution did the rest; however, God created life on those other planets, which are responsible for seeding our planet with the DNA.

But, the DNA deposited was from a common cold, virus germs. God made the life the virus attacked, the Devil made the viruses because everybody knows all bad things come from the Devil.

Thus evolution alone, did not create life on our fair planet, and it was not an act of God.

Not that an act of God did not create other life, it just happens, that we are, more or less, an unfortunate by product of an act of God. Look at it this way, God made a butterfly, the butterfly poops. The poop is not really the act of God, just a by product.

That's what we are.

In the grand scale of things, humans are the shit.

However, the Devil made the virus that got the heavenly inhabitants of other planets sick, and life on Earth stemmed from that virus. So, if you really want to get technical, we're more of a by product from an act of Satan than an act of God.

Therefore, neither creationism nor evolution are alone responsible for life on Earth, however, both contributed; although, Satan seemed to have a more direct influence.

Maybe that’s why things and people on our planet are so screwy.

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: Beautiful, beautiful Angel poop.